The covert narcissist- Gaslighting, mental abuse

A topic between me and my mother lately has been guilt. I have inherited her self blaming characteristic and it isn’t fun.
If you have ever been wronged by another person whether it be your partner, a boss or someone you called a friend. At the end of the day even though you didn’t do anything you still feel guilty, there might be a reason for it, you might have been manipulated.

quote-nobody-can-be-kinder-than-the-narcissist-while-you-react-to-life-in-his-own-terms-elizabeth-bowen-3-31-63It’s called covert aggressive personalities, masters of manipulation but also masters of convincing the world of their charm and selflessness. They’re hard to spot if you don’t know what you’re looking for and aren’t selfless at all in fact they’re extremely self-centered.
These types of people use your weaknesses to their advantage, they claim they have your best interests at heart but really they are only looking out for themselves. They say they want the best for you but really they want what is best for them, they want you to reflect a good imagine for themselves.

I personally found with the narcissist in my life that this reflecting could come in many forms but their main goal was to get something out of it. Whether that be helping you and giving you advice that they can brag about later, usually about what great advice they give and make themselves feel good whether it helped you isn’t really priority. Or they might just want you to do something their way because they are so convinced that their way is the only way.

They find sneaky tactics that result in a one way road and that road only goes their way. Even if they aren’t even doing it intentionally they are so convinced that they are right and this can become extremely toxic to be in close relations with. You cannot fight fairly if person you are fighting with cannot see any reason beyond their own.
They are so persistent and can be mentally exhausting when they go above and beyond to convince you they are right and you are not. There is a key word here, a word someone pointed out to me that I found myself using unintentionally when describing this narcissistic person. I would say the word, convinced, he convinced me of things. Actions speak louder than words but no actions were happening but this didn’t matter to him because he seemed to be able to convince me he would do all the things that he said he would do.

These types of people may seem overly caring, they are masters at flattery and they know just what to say to hook you in. This is called love bombing, things progress really quickly, you are showered with attention and affection and you think you have met the love of your life but it doesn’t last. They seem to have an on and an off switch when it comes to love and relationships and if someone can switch their feelings on and off at will then this is a major red flag.
The person who told you that they loved you, they wanted the best for you, they wanted to give you the best future and made so many promises suddenly out of nowhere hits reverse like none of that ever mattered.
For victims or survivors of narcissist abuse this can be heart breaking because usually victims were a narcissists prey for a reason, we are kind, we are giving and we are trusting. We are also easy targets for manipulation.

After this happened to me and the person who appeared to love me most suddenly blamed me for everything that had happened in the past 12 months. Along with other absurd excuses I had never heard of and even asked me to get an abortion at 16 weeks into my pregnancy simply because it would be more convenient for him. At first I believed that everything was my fault, I was a terrible person. Even though I had worked, been the only one of us with a stable income and even given them money to pay bills as well as airfares. I sacrificed my happiness, relocated for work, and gave up a lot for this person because I loved them and when I love someone I give it my all.
This person never made an effort, only saw me if I paid and would boss everyone else about like his little minions if I had a an issue, not once did he prove his greatness and be there for the me in the flesh, but he would tell me how much he cared.
Prime example of actions speaking louder than words, his own pathetic life, and believe me it was, was more important than my mental health. Obviously because they were driving me insane, telling me I was insane and using anything and everything to prove it.

Another scary tactic mental abusers use is gaslighting but this is even scarier when they start to bring other people into it. When they begin to convince people around you that you aren’t okay. You have to remember to tell yourself that weren’t this person before they came along. You were once a happy person living a regular life until you met them. I know it is very hard to do.
They are so good at deceiving that they can even fake emotions such as crying, when I say fake, they do actually cry but they will be thinking of themselves and their hardships in a situation. They’re not actually sorry for you they are sorry for themselves.

Are these people really that callous? I think in my case some of it was unintentional, but then again I am not sure maybe it was calculated and he was more cunning than I give him credit for. I do know that his main focus was himself and because of this I got hurt, worn down and tired of living my life on his terms.
When someone is trying to imply they think you’re crazy yet all the while will accept thousands of dollars from you, and never talk about paying it back, I do think there is something wrong with that. I do feel as though if I had of had the sense back then to take a step back and see it through someone else’s eyes I would have spoken up and said “hey that’s not right!” It was still my choice though, but I am extremely giving. I have done quite a bit for charity in my time and have given the shirt off my own back before to help a kitten in desperate need and walked home in my sports bra and singlet.

If you have had a similar experience with a covert narcissist you are not alone in feeling confused, blaming yourself or feeling guilt. Just remember the narcissist isn’t feeling any of that they just simply go back to the grandiose fantasies they have of themselves and unfortunately are on the hunt for other people they can use to the best of their advantage.

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My final Goodbye- Thank you to a dog

Writing has become my outlet lately because if I have a thought I can write it down and read it later. My brain has been through so many events, it is exhausted, it is sad and I just can’t wait for the day when everything will be a distant memory.

I have been told I am not mentally stable, I have been pushed to my limits and broken down. I have tried to reach out to someone who I thought cared only to be told to just stop being so negative and then I might not be so depressed. I mean of only it was that simple.

I am not mentally unstable, in fact when the source that was telling me I was, eliminated itself, I began to heal.
Even my mum admitted she was so surprised how normal I am now, everyone says it. They tell me I look better, I have confidence back and I don’t seem to be stressed. No one has ever had any issues that this person claimed to have with me, which really says something, perhaps they were the issue all along. I couldn’t trust them, call it gut instinct, no matter how stressed, exhausted, crazy they made me feel something deep down told me I was still in this body, I was still me despite the changes I felt.

I don’t regret my dishonesty to them, because I felt as though things I was telling them were not going to be kept safe, they were using it, they weren’t here to be understanding they were here to gain the upper hand. I protected people in my life who would have only done the same for me. It’s amazing the damage one person can do if they’re determined to win.
I am grateful that my clouded mind, my traumatized memories, my extreme sadness still allowed me to protect those who are still here, supporting me. I didn’t tell everyone’s secrets, they didn’t need to dragged through the mud just because I was.

I am always so reluctant to talk about my past, even to those closest to me. I often find myself saying “I don’t want to seem like I am keeping secrets” by habit, only to be told my best friend “You aren’t, you don’t have to tell me anything you want kept private it isn’t going to affect our friendship”. He is right, the past is the past it doesn’t define the future I could have, but it might if it’s constantly dragged up whenever something isn’t right. Sure I have been affected by past, I don’t doubt, but constantly reminding me about it to try to shift blame or drill it in that I act a certain way because of it, doesn’t help. I hope I am not out of line saying this but speaking on behalf of people who have experienced trauma, it just doesn’t help to associate it with everything that goes wrong in our lives because it could taint new experiences with the wrong opinion.

Tunnel vision are the words I would use to explain the last 8 months, when you work so hard to achieve something, when you brave your own misery to get a job done. Imagine packing up the life you knew, the things you love and treasure the most. You make a daring choice to try to better your life because you aren’t crazy you know the life you are in isn’t the healthiest but you get by, you have found your peace and your direction. When it is all suddenly changed, you become so focused on the new plan.

I know how frantic I was, how stressed I was and I never want to experience it again. It was a time in my life that I reflect on and feel such anxiety, being anxious doesn’t mean you’re crazy either, it doesn’t mean you have this mental diagnoses, or this mental illness, it just simple means you are bloody stressed!
What causes stress is different for everyone, but for me what caused it was the fact that I was making a huge change with another person who was better off than I was yet I was the one with the income and I was the one who was supporting the relationship financially. It takes its toll, I am generous, if I love you I will give without hesitation but the right thing to do is, instead of taking and taking, is to help me out no matter what it takes. If someone is handing over money they are making sacrifices, and a relationship is supposed to be a two-way thing.

I seriously surprise myself because I know all of this yet my tunnel vision causes me to just be plain stupid. I can admit my faults, I can admit I have things I am not ready to talk about so I might avoid it, or if I am really pushed I might lie. I wouldn’t lie to gain, hurt or scam someone ever, I would for the sake of peace if someone wont drop things and I don’t trust them. Even my psychologist said telling those sorts of lies dont make you a bad person, remember that.

It might not seem like a big deal to most people but some will definitely understand, the hardest choice I made was to rehome my dog. I was away, I couldn’t take him where I was going even though believe me I wanted to! I couldn’t afford to support two adults and him, I was overwhelmed and felt very alone. I should not of rehomed him, I should have listened to my instincts and listened to others, the day I handed him over was the day I lost part of me as well.

The people who took him were friends of a friend, who loved dogs and seemed like very caring people and they are. I know this for sure now, after 6 months of tears, and worry about him, whether or not he has a good life, what does he look like now, wishing I could reach out.
My mum who is now closest to me saw my struggle, we are definitely animal loving people and she knew the pain. On my behalf she got in touch with his new owners, who assured me he is very loved and they even sent me photos.
I wasn’t the only one who cried looking at them, she did too. I hadn’t seen him in 8 months, I was sad but happy he was loved, happy that my baby looked happy.

Mum said to me “He has a name tag with a new name” she had zoomed into the picture and saw his dog tag said Jordy. I know he isn’t mine anymore and a new name for him means a new start but my heart shattered.
“I hate him, mum!” is what I sobbed that night, referring to the person I speak of above. I feel used, I feel like I was an ant being tortured by a kid with a magnifying glass, reacting to life on his terms.

I loved that dog so much, he was my savior, he showed me what loyalty and unconditional love really was. He was enough to get me through a dark time and he did it all with the biggest smile I have ever seen.

To me you will always be my Anakin.

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The cunning ways of a Gaslighter

He tore down the walls I had spent years putting up, but that’s all he had to do. I did the rest, I sabotaged my own world on his own terms.

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In my confused twisted mind, a mind that is riddled with thoughts of abuse, sadness and death. I still think he was right, the man who watched me burn.
I can switch from self-blame to hating him to the point where I fantasize about ripping him to shreds. It’s a vicious cycle.

I need to remember, or focus on remembering what I had done to me. I have been psychically abused before, but my bruises and cuts healed, I knew it was wrong, I knew where I stood. There is nothing for me that takes away the pain of being mentally tortured. To be diagnosed with mental problems I don’t have but made to think I actually do. Pushed to the point where I would lose it and that would prove my insanity.

A narcissist needs to be the victim, no matter how much turmoil they inflict upon you, they are the victim in the situation and you are over reacting. Their self-centered personality needs feeding, they need to feel like they’ve won.

This is my personal experience, but if you have ever suffered mental abuse at the hands of a narcissist on some level we are connected and have the mutual understanding of the fear that is endured.

I met a narcissist, I knew he was vain but in some way we all are, its key for our survival and loving yourself to some degree is healthy.
At first I didn’t mind, but months on when I let him into my life, when I shared my darkest thoughts and secrets I became prey. I became clay to be molded, sand to be sculpted.

I was living on his terms, I was gradually destroying my own peace of mind, I was unhappy but I was making my own choices, or was I?
Or was I just told over and over that it was my idea, until my depressed clouded brain believed it. It was my idea to pay for everything, my idea to give away thousands of my own money, my idea to relocate for work to support the both of us, and my idea to leave behind my pets.

It was my idea, but when someone tells you they care, someone who vows to always be there, someone who cannot be easily replaced, will never hurt me. Who supports everything I do, who listens to me when I am sad, who is admired by others, who is hard working….. The list could go on, they were all of this, when they put on their mask.
Underneath, they were none of this.

The cruelest thing I have ever had done to me was be strung along by someone who wanted to be a hero. They knew they only cared about themselves, they watched on by as I made the hardest decisions of my life so far.
I found a new home for my dog, a dog that was my real savior. He was my happiness, my smile on a rough day, my best friend.

I gave a piece of my soul away that day, all the while the narcissist sat upon his self entitled thrown, he held my heart while it shattered, without empathy.

I risk my clinically depressed mind because I was told I was fine I was told to pull myself together and find the way out because that’s what he had to do once, that one time he was suicidal. If you suffer from depression you know it’s not that easy. If you could just stop being sad, you would.

He wanted me to build myself back up in his imagine and was unsatisfied when I couldn’t or wouldn’t.
Nothing was his fault because I was mentally unstable, he couldn’t see that the bane of my existence was him. He caused the break down, he caused the most intense sadness I have ever experienced. Fear, like I have never felt fear before. For my own life, I didn’t trust myself, I could take pills, maybe. Maybe I could end the nightmare because I didn’t know which way was up and out.

I was scolded for reaching out to anyone else, he wanted me to go to him. I was afraid in the end, afraid of what information he would twist and turn into a half fabricated story mixed with truths to convince me of the evidence that I was just remembering incorrectly. I felt my mind slipping, I was confused about what was happening to me.
I began to lie, I would lie to save someone elses privacy from him as well as my own, I would lie to avoid an unnecessary fight, or to remove someone else from the firing line.

I had friends who had to endure also, endure punishment from the self entitled one. They saw from the outside how I had changed, how I was becoming. I was frantic, frustrated, stressed, exhausted. I was all this and he was unchanged, he appeared effortlessly cool and this was his cover.

I had sacrificed, my beloved animals, my happiness, my mental state. According to him he had sacrificed too, and this was his biggest lie. He had not sacrificed, not even his time because if I wanted to see him it was under his terms and conditions. On my hard-earned savings. Seeing me was a free holiday to another part of the world, something for him to brag about online, his travel, his exciting life.
It was my idea though, he never asked for the money. I wouldn’t see him if I didn’t pay and I have never been greedy with money. He knew this, he knew I would cave. I either paid or he wouldn’t bother.

You buy their false persona, their grandiose personality. They make you in some way pity them, their struggle. The struggle that might not even be real, or maybe it is it’s just blow out of proportion.
Their reality is mundane, really. They need to create the false self for others to see, they need to believe they are entitled to justify their shame.
The smallest criticism, fault, or wrong to a narcissist is magnified. They hold grudges for a long time, mostly so they can use it against you later on as an escape goat to shift the blame out of their court.

Being held accountable means they were wrong, they cannot be wrong, they must win.

Throw me to the wolves & I will only come back leader of the pack- Narcissism abuse.

 

Narcissistic abuse isn’t that spoken about, but victims of it know just how real and dangerous it can be on your mental health and even your psychical health.

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If you’re here reading this it is very possibly we have something in common, we have fallen prey to a narcissist. Like me you are probably searching for people alike, to read their stories in hopes to try to understand what has happened to you.
If the narcissist has already gotten into your head you might not fully understand who you are anymore, you’re changed, you aren’t sure of the person you were before your life with intoxicated with this person.
I know that’s how I felt and still feel now. I questioned myself, questioned my sanity, I questioned whether or not I was actually the narcissist. This is the impact the narcissist has on you.

Narcissistic abuse is not often recognized as abuse and a narcissist won’t be held accountable for their actions, they are masters at blame shifting and arguing with them is like arguing with a brick wall.
With the help of my psychiatrist and some further study I am beginning to understand and see the ways of these people. It has really helped me in the right direction to start my recovery because of course when I parted ways with this person I blamed myself for everything. The guilt ate me alive but the worse part was I didn’t actually understand what I was guilty of or what I was supposed to be blaming myself for. I was left feeling very mentally unstable and in my confusion I didn’t need a reason to feel guilty, I just blamed myself.

When he first walked out of my life, I felt a faint sense of relief. However that was soon overtaken by panic and anxiety of being alone, being without this person in my life. I would never find anyone as good and I what would I do without him?
If you went through these feelings, I completely understand how unbearable they are. The anxiety that hits you at certain times, the lonely depressed feeling, and the consistent “It was all my fault!” self-blaming.

For me, understanding NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) was extremely helpful for me to pick myself up. I would read, and speak to professionals about it and was able to piece together a puzzle. I was able to think “Hey, that is exactly what happened to me.”
Just like any disorder it can vary in symptoms and severity and you might be torn between still thinking that the narcissist is a great person because they don’t have certain traits. If you’re like me you want to see the good in everyone and it can be hard to get your focus off them.

They feed off this, they want you to focus on them even if they are giving you the silent treatment. This makes them feel strangely powerful, strange to you and me that is, to the narcasisst this is their reality. It makes them feel like they’re winning and that’s all a narcissist wants, is to win.
Since I have begun my study, I have realized this. It was hard but I picked myself up, got back into the world loudly and proudly. Even if I do not feel overly confident, I am not going to let him know.
Since he has been gone and some time as passed, I found a good therapist, opened up to trusted friends and family, and am starting to finally see that the person I feel in love with was a false persona. I was “lovebombed” and groomed with affection and attention that I believed to be real. Well, it was real, even to a narcissist it is their reality and they do believe it to be real.

I am naive, I came from a psychically abusive relationship and opened up very quickly about it. Something I don’t normally do but this is the charm of a narcissist, you think you have met the one and you are compelled to share everything.
At first I felt like I could talk about tragedies of my past and it was relief to find someone who understood but as time went on I realized that what I was saying was being dragged up whenever they needed to shift their blame.

Nothing was ever his fault, if confronted he would project the blame onto me and I believed it. The more depressed I got, the more my actions would be used against me.
He sat back and watched me sabotage my life, my happiness, everything I had and had worked hard for, gone.

You can’t lose it, you can’t have a moment of insanity even though you feel your life being molded and shaped into theirs. Any time you lose it, it is used as evidence to how crazy you are that the narcissists uses to gain sympathy from others and leverage over you.
If you have ever lost it, if you have ever broken down, I know how it feels and it is not your fault! I know how exhausted they leave you feeling, how anxious and frustrated you get after having to have certain important conversations.

I have had space to breathe and focus on myself. I am healing. For the first time in 7 years I am financially free, it’s the first time in my young adult life. I have no other adults to support but myself and my baby boy.
I even bought a car which will enhance my freedom further and baby got a fancy stroller. I am proud that I’ve earned and got this far on my own with nothing handed, despite obstacles, I have persisted and come out on top.

How I ended up with three cats- One turned into three.

I’ve spoken a lot about dogs but they aren’t the only creatures on earth that can provide us with companionship and love.

Not only did I have to part with a dog, but I also left behind three cats. If you have read some of my previous blogs you will understand the reason behind this.
Rehoming my dog was a little harder to leave behind than my cats, the cats are still at the house I used to live, which is their home now, it is where they belong with someone who has been a close friend and by my side for past 12 years. The cats are still there, though not psychically with me but they are there if I wished to return and visit, not saying it wasn’t hard to leave them.

Now the cats are something I thought I would never leave behind, and if I did, I must be dead or missing, as my mum would say jokingly. I had known these guys since they were born, they were born right next to me at about 3am Easter morning in 2011.
I had rescued a little cat who I called Kitty, she was tiny but a huge handful. She was such a naughty little kitten, she had all the toys, climbing posts, and love she could possibly wish for but she would always be up to no good.
I was living in the small town of Narrabri, NSW and there was a local vet, mind you a very good local vet and I miss her a lot in recent years having acquired so many more pets. I had not gotten Kitty spayed yet she was around a year old at this point, she was an indoors cat as we lived right next to the Mcdonald’s drive through and there were too many cars.
One day she was having one of her “turbo spurt” moods where she would fly around the place jumping and leaping and eventually diving into her play tunnel and resting for a moment before repeating the process.
There was a knock at the door among all of Kitty’s chaos and as I opened it she flew out with a single leap and was free, free to continue her running, leaping game in the great outdoors all the way into a field next door.
I don’t recall who came to the door because my furbaby had just escaped and I had taken off after her.

Well I couldn’t find her anywhere I waited, I called, nothing! I was still sharing a place with my friend of 12 years at the time and he had returned from work to find me sobbing on the doorstep as I explained that Kitty had run away. We searched into the hours of the night, calling and shaking treat bags. Eventually we had to end the search party for the night.
He went back to work the next day and I continued looking, hoping that she would run out from a bush somewhere. I think three days had passed with no sign of Kitty, it was suggested to me that I accept she may not come back at all, I was heart-broken.

Not for long though as she turned up the very next day I had, had the discussion of she might be gone for good.
I was so happy that she had come home I didn’t think about what she might have been up to, my mum who I spoke to on the phone said maybe get her “fixed” as she believed it might stop her wild adventures…. a little. I was going to get it done anyway, however when I finally got her book in it was too late, she was pregnant!

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She was a good mamma, and there were no complications with the birth, only thing I found a little odd is she didn’t nest or hide, the night she went into labor she insisted on sleeping right next to me.
She had 4 little kittens, all roughly the same colour expect for the last one, he was a tiny little ginger thing and I loved him.
After watching them all grow for 8 weeks, finding them good homes was hard, I was very picky about where they would go and I insisted on meeting everyone first. I had rehomed the two tabby ones and planned on keeping the grey one because he was a slow learner, fussy eater and had very watery eyes due to allergies and I wasn’t sure if someone would get him the proper medical treatment he required. My friend named him Teddy Bear.
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The ginger cat was the last one to go, no one really wanted him or asked about him. I would watch him and Teddy play together, he was just so sweet. He was the runt of the litter but started to overtake everyone else by the time he was 6 weeks old. The day came when someone contacted me through the ad I had put on Gumtree for the kittens and said they were interested in the ginger kitten, now this is where I did something slightly naughty. My friend and I were moving on from Narrabri to a bigger house all the way down in Cessnock, NSW. We were due to leave in a week and make the long journey and take Kitty and Teddy with us. Finding a rental that allows pets was hard, and it took months, I was lucky to be able to keep one of the kittens let alone two.
Yep, that’s right, I ignored the email I got asking me about Gingey and when my friend asked I simply shrugged and said “too bad no one wants him.” So Gingey also became a part of the family and stole a giant piece of my heart.

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Reaching out about depression- It’s okay to feel sad

I have almost good days, but I still have very bad days, so almost good day is an achievement.
Since I have been resting during my pregnancy it’s the first time in 3 years I have been able to reflect on my past. There is no such thing as luck in my eyes, only life. Life happens how it happens, sometimes you can’t avoid it.
If you are anything like me you might find yourself wishing you could go back in time, wishing you could go back to a certain point in your life before it got bad and redo it with the knowledge you have now to aid you in not making the same mistakes.

I have come to get to know myself more than I ever did in the last year, I know I am strong, I have pushed through this endless storm one slow day at a time.

Sometimes it helps to hear others speak out about their depression only to find the similarities that reassure me that I am not completely alone in feeling this way.
Lately I have been trying to work out why, in the last year has my depression peaked. Why am I my lowest when I should have have everything I ever wanted. Perhaps because all I ever wanted I already had.
People come and people go from our lives, if they go it’s probably because they weren’t that good for us in the first place. I met a man who changed my life completely, if you have read my previous post you will know the full story but this isn’t about that.
There are some people in the world who want to white knight themselves, as I like to put it. These people are usually a bit narcissistic and can’t seem to genuinely just want to do a good deed without praise, or them getting some sort of self-gratification out of every situation.

The person I met thought he was my savior, I want to make note that I rolled my eyes just typing that.
“I’ve always been attracted to girls with some sort of extra baggage.” he told me once.
Immediately this rang a distant warning bell in my mind and I was actually quite offended. My depression isn’t cute, it’s not something I want someone to refer to as a trait to be attracted too. Unfortunately like a lot of people do, I pushed this strange comment to the back of my mind and filed it under “not important so forget it.” I do this a lot, I file potential warning signs from those whom I want to believe mean well.

At the time I honestly thought I was being saved, for a short time I felt excitement again, I felt happiness from the excitement and for someone who had suffered a two-year bout of depression, these emotions were addictive.
This person was not saving me, they weren’t even helping me, I just ignored it because I desperately wanted it to be picture perfect to believe it had all been worth the fight.
Eventually it led to them realizing their efforts weren’t paying off or being as rewarding as they would have hoped because I was getting worse. Their patience was up, and I was told to stop being sad and compared to all these other people who managed to pull themselves out of it.
This is the most disgusting thing you can say to someone who suffers from depression. I lost a baby 2 years ago at 19 weeks into my pregnancy, it’s true what they say, there is no time limit on grief.

No one can help us but ourselves, we have to want to be helped, and at that time I never asked to be saved, I didn’t realize it but before this person came along I was already on my own way to finding my own way out of the dark.

Don’t let someone cloud your judgement for their own self-gratification, don’t let someone tell you that they know best and they know what you need because they do not.
Especially if these people do not have any kind of qualification in mental illness and I can assure you if you seek professional help from lets say a psychiatrist, they are not going to tell you what they think you should do with your life. A professional will listen, and guide you, maybe help you achieve the goal you want to achieve but aren’t sure how to reach it.
I find this so important because if someone is trying to help you, no matter what their intentions are.  Whether they think they are actually doing right by you or not, if they are not trained to deal with such matters they can do more damage than good.

I also understand that reaching out and getting help can initially be a big step. If you are like me, you may not like to open up to strangers or even talk about certain topics over and over, having to relive them again and again.
If you’re thinking about seeing a psychiatrist or any professional able to help you then my advice is don’t give up on it. If the first person you talk to you doesn’t suit you and you do not feel completely comfortable, it is perfectly okay to find someone else, establish a relationship first before you open up.
This is what I have had to do, it hasn’t happened overnight, I am not cured from my depression no matter how hard to wish I could be, but with my first-born on the way I want to get better.

It’s a journey I have realized I have to face alone, I am now a single mother at 26 and this does not scare me. I have had people, mind you it’s those who don’t have children and most guilty of this, tell me that it’s too hard on your own. This is exactly why we need to follow our own path, everyone is different, we all handle situations with different strengths.

You don’t know how strong you are until strong is all you have left.

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I wont fed my dogs store bought food- What I fed my dogs.

 

My family has always had dogs and dogs that have lived on for years beyond the average age, I had a terrier growing up that got to the age of 21.

I really do believe what we eat has a lot to do with the quality of our lives, and why should our pets be any different? I know one consistent thing within my family is that that is we always make our dogs own food.

When I got my dog a few years back as a pup he had shocking diarrhea from the moment I bought him home and for the first weeks I had him. My vet suggested to remove lamb, pork and even beef from his diet so I always looked for puppy food that was made with chicken, checked the ingredients carefully, and never got anything cheap.
Eventually I gave up on store-bought foods altogether, started making my own, and it worked!

Here is the recipe I used, I had a large Labradoodle so I could make it in bulk and save money too.

1 large sweet potato (chopped and boiled til soft)

 
1kg of chicken (I used drumsticks, boiled them and took the meat away from the bone)

1/2 a cup of rice (I used brown because it’s a little higher in protein but white is fine)

1 cup of dry dog food
(Soaked in water, I used the left over water I used for boiling the sweet potato and chicken for extra flavour and fat that gets boiled out of the chicken)

1 cup extra of water (again I used the left overs from the boiled chicken broth)

1-2 tbsp of olive oil

That is it, just boil the rice in one pot and chicken and sweet potato together in another. You can mash the sweet potato and the soaked dry food. Depending what chicken you have used make sure to remove the meat from the bones and dice into bite sized pieces. Make sure you have added enough water so the rice doesn’t dry out which is why the olive oil should be added, or you can add some other left over fats from maybe chicken or duck. Fat and carbohydrates should still be a part of your dog’s diet in moderation, especially if it is as active as my Labradoodle was.

It will last for a week in the fridge or if you want to make it in bulk, my mum will freeze portions.