The cruelty of the Narcissist

We all know someone we can class as a little narcissistic, I mean we ourselves are all slightly narcissistic, its key for our survival. It can be become an issue though, an issue that is overlooked and possibly even ignored because a true narcissist is cunning, covert and completely in control of their actions.
My entire life I never thought about narcissistic personality disorder, I mean why would I? It wasn’t a problem for me until I met someone who was a true narcissist and then all hell broke loose.

The most scary part of it is, that they have no idea of the damage they have caused, to them it was no more than a bit of fun. They are so good at being covertly deceitful that they can fool themselves into believing they are a victim no matter what they make anyone else undergo.
Sound familiar? Maybe just reading that makes you frustrated because you have experienced it. You know what I am talking about, it is hard for someone to comprehend if they have not been through it or encountered a true narcissist.

I know it frustrates me beyond words! Some people are lucky they get away, they pick up the broken pieces and find themselves again. I envy those people, I wish I had of gotten out sooner rather than later before it was all engraved in my brain.

A brief history on what happened to me, just for the purpose of an example of what I am talking about.
I sacrificed a life I had made for myself, everything that once kept my depression at bay, for a person who convinced me it would be best. Best for me, my health, my safety I never fully understood why but apparently this person cared enough.
I was paying for most things, airfares, accommodation, their own bills, and pretty much everything else. I wasn’t forced but the way it was presented was that if I did not pay I would not be able to see this personĀ  who loved me and of course I loved them and wanted to give them the world. They knew this and whenever I gave an inch they would take a mile.

In the end, everything was my fault. I was a terrible person, I wasn’t enough to make them happy. I was worn down, exhausted, yet they still wanted me to get up and support them, be open with them, help them achieve their dreams and goals. They went back to their life better off, they had free holidays, bills paid and used it all for their self gain. I was left shattered, empty and feeling like I was the worse person on earth because I wasn’t doing enough. How does that even work?

These sorta of people relish in playing the victim. Their overly inflated ego let’s them create fabricated scenarios where they were wronged when really they were not. You were probably just and fair but if the results aren’t a narcissist getting what they want, they convince themselves you have wronged them.

There is no way to even bother explaining it to them, they cannot see a logical reason unless it is centered around themselves. They live inside a grandiose fantasy that is too addictive and strong to break out of.
This renders them as untrustworthy, they search out your weaknesses to use as ammunition. They can appear to be the most caring, charming, loving person but this doesn’t last. They need you to open up willingly and give them something to use.
Your past doesn’t affect the future you can have if you don’t allow it. If you have had a bad passed, you can still have a better future by moving forward. Don’t let a narcissist use your past and vulnerabilities to keep you in a terrified limbo just because they want to hold you there.

The more hysterical and broken you get the more power they have, you have to understand that they are in control of the situation and you are not crazy. Someone who truly cares about you would not be so cruel.

Throw me to the wolves & I will only come back leader of the pack- Narcissism abuse.

 

Narcissistic abuse isn’t that spoken about, but victims of it know just how real and dangerous it can be on your mental health and even your psychical health.

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If you’re here reading this it is very possibly we have something in common, we have fallen prey to a narcissist. Like me you are probably searching for people alike, to read their stories in hopes to try to understand what has happened to you.
If the narcissist has already gotten into your head you might not fully understand who you are anymore, you’re changed, you aren’t sure of the person you were before your life with intoxicated with this person.
I know that’s how I felt and still feel now. I questioned myself, questioned my sanity, I questioned whether or not I was actually the narcissist. This is the impact the narcissist has on you.

Narcissistic abuse is not often recognized as abuse and a narcissist won’t be held accountable for their actions, they are masters at blame shifting and arguing with them is like arguing with a brick wall.
With the help of my psychiatrist and some further study I am beginning to understand and see the ways of these people. It has really helped me in the right direction to start my recovery because of course when I parted ways with this person I blamed myself for everything. The guilt ate me alive but the worse part was I didn’t actually understand what I was guilty of or what I was supposed to be blaming myself for. I was left feeling very mentally unstable and in my confusion I didn’t need a reason to feel guilty, I just blamed myself.

When he first walked out of my life, I felt a faint sense of relief. However that was soon overtaken by panic and anxiety of being alone, being without this person in my life. I would never find anyone as good and I what would I do without him?
If you went through these feelings, I completely understand how unbearable they are. The anxiety that hits you at certain times, the lonely depressed feeling, and the consistent “It was all my fault!” self-blaming.

For me, understanding NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) was extremely helpful for me to pick myself up. I would read, and speak to professionals about it and was able to piece together a puzzle. I was able to think “Hey, that is exactly what happened to me.”
Just like any disorder it can vary in symptoms and severity and you might be torn between still thinking that the narcissist is a great person because they don’t have certain traits. If you’re like me you want to see the good in everyone and it can be hard to get your focus off them.

They feed off this, they want you to focus on them even if they are giving you the silent treatment. This makes them feel strangely powerful, strange to you and me that is, to the narcasisst this is their reality. It makes them feel like they’re winning and that’s all a narcissist wants, is to win.
Since I have begun my study, I have realized this. It was hard but I picked myself up, got back into the world loudly and proudly. Even if I do not feel overly confident, I am not going to let him know.
Since he has been gone and some time as passed, I found a good therapist, opened up to trusted friends and family, and am starting to finally see that the person I feel in love with was a false persona. I was “lovebombed” and groomed with affection and attention that I believed to be real. Well, it was real, even to a narcissist it is their reality and they do believe it to be real.

I am naive, I came from a psychically abusive relationship and opened up very quickly about it. Something I don’t normally do but this is the charm of a narcissist, you think you have met the one and you are compelled to share everything.
At first I felt like I could talk about tragedies of my past and it was relief to find someone who understood but as time went on I realized that what I was saying was being dragged up whenever they needed to shift their blame.

Nothing was ever his fault, if confronted he would project the blame onto me and I believed it. The more depressed I got, the more my actions would be used against me.
He sat back and watched me sabotage my life, my happiness, everything I had and had worked hard for, gone.

You can’t lose it, you can’t have a moment of insanity even though you feel your life being molded and shaped into theirs. Any time you lose it, it is used as evidence to how crazy you are that the narcissists uses to gain sympathy from others and leverage over you.
If you have ever lost it, if you have ever broken down, I know how it feels and it is not your fault! I know how exhausted they leave you feeling, how anxious and frustrated you get after having to have certain important conversations.

I have had space to breathe and focus on myself. I am healing. For the first time in 7 years I am financially free, it’s the first time in my young adult life. I have no other adults to support but myself and my baby boy.
I even bought a car which will enhance my freedom further and baby got a fancy stroller. I am proud that I’ve earned and got this far on my own with nothing handed, despite obstacles, I have persisted and come out on top.