Throw me to the wolves & I will only come back leader of the pack- Narcissism abuse.

 

Narcissistic abuse isn’t that spoken about, but victims of it know just how real and dangerous it can be on your mental health and even your psychical health.

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If you’re here reading this it is very possibly we have something in common, we have fallen prey to a narcissist. Like me you are probably searching for people alike, to read their stories in hopes to try to understand what has happened to you.
If the narcissist has already gotten into your head you might not fully understand who you are anymore, you’re changed, you aren’t sure of the person you were before your life with intoxicated with this person.
I know that’s how I felt and still feel now. I questioned myself, questioned my sanity, I questioned whether or not I was actually the narcissist. This is the impact the narcissist has on you.

Narcissistic abuse is not often recognized as abuse and a narcissist won’t be held accountable for their actions, they are masters at blame shifting and arguing with them is like arguing with a brick wall.
With the help of my psychiatrist and some further study I am beginning to understand and see the ways of these people. It has really helped me in the right direction to start my recovery because of course when I parted ways with this person I blamed myself for everything. The guilt ate me alive but the worse part was I didn’t actually understand what I was guilty of or what I was supposed to be blaming myself for. I was left feeling very mentally unstable and in my confusion I didn’t need a reason to feel guilty, I just blamed myself.

When he first walked out of my life, I felt a faint sense of relief. However that was soon overtaken by panic and anxiety of being alone, being without this person in my life. I would never find anyone as good and I what would I do without him?
If you went through these feelings, I completely understand how unbearable they are. The anxiety that hits you at certain times, the lonely depressed feeling, and the consistent “It was all my fault!” self-blaming.

For me, understanding NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) was extremely helpful for me to pick myself up. I would read, and speak to professionals about it and was able to piece together a puzzle. I was able to think “Hey, that is exactly what happened to me.”
Just like any disorder it can vary in symptoms and severity and you might be torn between still thinking that the narcissist is a great person because they don’t have certain traits. If you’re like me you want to see the good in everyone and it can be hard to get your focus off them.

They feed off this, they want you to focus on them even if they are giving you the silent treatment. This makes them feel strangely powerful, strange to you and me that is, to the narcasisst this is their reality. It makes them feel like they’re winning and that’s all a narcissist wants, is to win.
Since I have begun my study, I have realized this. It was hard but I picked myself up, got back into the world loudly and proudly. Even if I do not feel overly confident, I am not going to let him know.
Since he has been gone and some time as passed, I found a good therapist, opened up to trusted friends and family, and am starting to finally see that the person I feel in love with was a false persona. I was “lovebombed” and groomed with affection and attention that I believed to be real. Well, it was real, even to a narcissist it is their reality and they do believe it to be real.

I am naive, I came from a psychically abusive relationship and opened up very quickly about it. Something I don’t normally do but this is the charm of a narcissist, you think you have met the one and you are compelled to share everything.
At first I felt like I could talk about tragedies of my past and it was relief to find someone who understood but as time went on I realized that what I was saying was being dragged up whenever they needed to shift their blame.

Nothing was ever his fault, if confronted he would project the blame onto me and I believed it. The more depressed I got, the more my actions would be used against me.
He sat back and watched me sabotage my life, my happiness, everything I had and had worked hard for, gone.

You can’t lose it, you can’t have a moment of insanity even though you feel your life being molded and shaped into theirs. Any time you lose it, it is used as evidence to how crazy you are that the narcissists uses to gain sympathy from others and leverage over you.
If you have ever lost it, if you have ever broken down, I know how it feels and it is not your fault! I know how exhausted they leave you feeling, how anxious and frustrated you get after having to have certain important conversations.

I have had space to breathe and focus on myself. I am healing. For the first time in 7 years I am financially free, it’s the first time in my young adult life. I have no other adults to support but myself and my baby boy.
I even bought a car which will enhance my freedom further and baby got a fancy stroller. I am proud that I’ve earned and got this far on my own with nothing handed, despite obstacles, I have persisted and come out on top.

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“Just try to be more positive.”- Depression is an illness & we don’t choose it.

If you asked me to describe depression to you in my own words, I would tell you that to me it feels like I walk around the edge of a big black hole, and sometimes I fall in.

I have been balancing along the edge of the abyss for a long time now and two years ago I fell in, I have fallen way down and it is too dark for me to find my way back out.
This does not mean I am sitting around crying and feeling sorry for myself day in and day out. I think that is what conclusion a lot of people jump to when you tell them you suffer from clinical depression.
Let me put that myth to rest, because I still try everyday, most suffers I know still try. Yes, you do lose interest in things you once found enjoyable, and yes, you feel hopelessness and may lose your appetite and think about harming yourself. There are many symptoms that weigh you down. But if you’re like me and you’re still here fighting it, and giving life a go no matter how much you might not want to get out of bed in the morning, then, well done!

If the key to happiness was simply not feeling sad, then believe me I would have taken that path years ago.
No, I push on even when I do not want too, I work, I try to still do those activities I know I once love because I remember the feelings of happiness and joy they gave me even if I do not feel the same now, because I hope one day those feelings return.

I have encountered some ignorant people, people who will say things like “You look fine, though.” or “Just try to be more positive.”
For starters, long-term suffers I find tend to not dwell on their misery. We can laugh at your jokes, smile at you, or seem completely fine because depression is a disorder not a choice.

To really doubt whether you should be left alone or not in fear of ending your life is terrifying. I do not want to end my life, but when you constantly suffer and it’s gone on for years you start to see death in a different light, you start to become curious about what it would feel like to not have to feel at all. At least this is what it is like for me, I cannot speak for everyone and I know we all experience things differently and I understand and accept that.
I know there are those who do not, though. I find it hard to open up about my depression and anxiety in fear that someone will not understand and that can only make it worse. When you someone telling you to “be more positive.” It adds pressure and heightens anxiety.
I genuinely am actually a positive person and if I use phrases like “I doubt it” or “I don’t think it’s going to happen.” I am not being pessimistic, I am going off of experiences and I believe if you prepare yourself for the worst you wont be so disappointed.¬† Just because I choose to see things this way doesn’t mean it is the cause my depression, when will people get that.

Depression can happen to any of us, at any time and sometimes it doesn’t even need a reason to curse us with its ugly presence. I really wanted to write something down tonight as I am struggling (some nights are worse than others). I wanted to try to reassure those who might feel the same way.
If someone doesn’t understand your depression or they’re making you feel guilty for being this way, just remember, they probably don’t have depression, they’re most likely not a doctor, and if they think it is as simple as just getting over it they don’t realize how lucky they are. We all experience bouts of sadness, but sadness and depression are not that same thing, sadness is temporary.

It got really dark before I saw the light- I had a mental breakdown at 25.

Most of us use the term “I am having a mental breakdown” to describe a tough day or just when something isn’t going right, resulting in frustration.
I will never use the phrase loosely again, because I had actually did have a mental breakdown and it lasted months. The most scary part of having a nervous breakdown is that the person experiencing it has no idea they are actually having one. Well, at least I had no idea, I honestly thought I was going insane towards the end.
It had built up over years, my psychical and mental health slowly but steadily declined. I became extremely depressed, but at the same time I found ways to cope, grit my teeth and bare it. It is for this reason I did not seek professional help, I thought I was fine and I thought I was strong enough to beat it on my own.
I am strong, I pushed through the constant thoughts of suicide that entered my mind, I found happiness in the company of a dog and kept sane by my love of outdoors. When I felt my thoughts going to that dark corner of my mind, I knew it was time to saddle up my dog and go bush walking. I say saddle because he was huge, and I quite small so it always felt like I was tacking up a pony, there is no other way to describe getting my dog ready for a walk.

I went in labor at 19 weeks into a previous pregnancy, the thoughts from that night still haunt me and my brain has blocked out a lot of the trauma for me, but of course it’s still there, deep down those memories hide. It was a warm night, I remember that much, I was feeling unwell and thinking I was just over heating. The pain grew, and I knew something was very wrong. We were far from help, far from a town, even to call an ambulance I would still need to wait, and time wasn’t on my side. It was so quick and before I knew it I needed to push, I gave birth to a tiny baby girl in the car that night on the side of the road. Too fragile, too undeveloped to survive on her own. My brain was still logical at that point and I had to accept fate. She couldn’t breathe on her own, her lungs hadn’t developed to be able to do so. The world just could not take her, and she was born just to turn into an angel, at least that’s how my mother puts it.
I was only 23, at that age we never would guess how cruel the world can be until it decides to show us.

This was the starting point for my depression, but denial made it worse. I don’t remember much that happened in the weeks after, it seems like a blurred dream. Sometimes I think to myself “Did that really happen, or am I imagining it?” my psychiatrist said flashbacks are usually caused by the brain remembering a suppressed memory that is triggered by a certain situation, or even a sound or smell.
I have been told I would pace, I vaguely remember the pacing. I remember the soothing but odd feeling it bought me, as if I could pass time really quickly if I kept moving.
I spoke to various doctors, psychiatrists, and lots of other people after it happened but my brain wasn’t taking anything in, the lights were on but no one was home so to speak.

Just because a traumatic event happens to someone, does not mean they are going to immediately have a breakdown, or become severely depressed right away. It took almost 3 years for everything to catch up with me, and when it did, it hit me hard.
Unfortunately I dragged someone down with me, someone who really had no idea what he was getting himself into. He wanted to help, but he wasn’t a professional, he wasn’t psychically with me either, we was overseas but we spoke daily and at the time I thought it was enough. When I met him, well just before I met him I was at rock bottom, I had been in an abusive relationship with my former partner, the one I had the baby girl too. Even though him and I had separated about a year and half after the miscarriage I was free from his narcissistic abusive behavior but I was still struggling.
Then I met this other person, who held out their hand to me, little did he know at the time but he was a lifeline. Little did I know that I couldn’t be saved from the breakdown that was edging closer.

So what are the signs you could possibly be having a mental breakdown, keep in mind they don’t all come at once, symptoms include anxiety, depression, memory loss, distorted reality, flashbacks, unable to stop crying or stop yourself randomly bursting into tears, restlessness, dramatic change in mood, and a strong desire to self harm. There are many other symptoms because we are all different and all experience things at a different level of intensity but my psychiatrist said anything out of the ordinary that you wouldn’t normally be doing can contribute.
It is easy to believe you are insane, you forget the person you were before the depression even started, it becomes harder to imagine what it would be like to return to your former self because it’s been so long you have actually forgotten who that person was.

Pressure and stress makes it worse, unfortunately my quest to desperately recover added to it all. I need to get better, I need¬†to be stronger, was the worse thing I could possibly tell myself as it added more pressure than I could handle. It adds pressure on others as well, those trying to help but are unsuccessful can’t understand what they’re doing wrong. This starts a whole vicious cycle of self blame as well as looking for others to blame.
There is hope yet, I started to receive professional help, I got to know and trust the people I talk to and my psychiatrist put me on medication before tackling my past trauma to make sure I had a more stable mind to avoid anything like this happening again.
Guess what? It is working, I am still very sad, I have lost a lot in the last year and I still have a lot of grieving to do but being able to freely grieve and know exactly what it is I am sad about, which is such a relief than being distraught and not entirely knowing why.

Having a mental breakdown does not mean you’re crazy. It means something is wrong and we are unable to help ourselves in that moment. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness and neither is going on medication. I have heard or even been told myself, that you do not need medication. Well sometimes you do if it helps.
Never let anyone else tell you what they think you might need because it could lead to a tragic ending, and if you or someone you know is suffering from depression seek medical advice because trying to tackle it on your own is a difficult and dangerious journey.