The cruelty of the Narcissist

We all know someone we can class as a little narcissistic, I mean we ourselves are all slightly narcissistic, its key for our survival. It can be become an issue though, an issue that is overlooked and possibly even ignored because a true narcissist is cunning, covert and completely in control of their actions.
My entire life I never thought about narcissistic personality disorder, I mean why would I? It wasn’t a problem for me until I met someone who was a true narcissist and then all hell broke loose.

The most scary part of it is, that they have no idea of the damage they have caused, to them it was no more than a bit of fun. They are so good at being covertly deceitful that they can fool themselves into believing they are a victim no matter what they make anyone else undergo.
Sound familiar? Maybe just reading that makes you frustrated because you have experienced it. You know what I am talking about, it is hard for someone to comprehend if they have not been through it or encountered a true narcissist.

I know it frustrates me beyond words! Some people are lucky they get away, they pick up the broken pieces and find themselves again. I envy those people, I wish I had of gotten out sooner rather than later before it was all engraved in my brain.

A brief history on what happened to me, just for the purpose of an example of what I am talking about.
I sacrificed a life I had made for myself, everything that once kept my depression at bay, for a person who convinced me it would be best. Best for me, my health, my safety I never fully understood why but apparently this person cared enough.
I was paying for most things, airfares, accommodation, their own bills, and pretty much everything else. I wasn’t forced but the way it was presented was that if I did not pay I would not be able to see this person¬† who loved me and of course I loved them and wanted to give them the world. They knew this and whenever I gave an inch they would take a mile.

In the end, everything was my fault. I was a terrible person, I wasn’t enough to make them happy. I was worn down, exhausted, yet they still wanted me to get up and support them, be open with them, help them achieve their dreams and goals. They went back to their life better off, they had free holidays, bills paid and used it all for their self gain. I was left shattered, empty and feeling like I was the worse person on earth because I wasn’t doing enough. How does that even work?

These sorta of people relish in playing the victim. Their overly inflated ego let’s them create fabricated scenarios where they were wronged when really they were not. You were probably just and fair but if the results aren’t a narcissist getting what they want, they convince themselves you have wronged them.

There is no way to even bother explaining it to them, they cannot see a logical reason unless it is centered around themselves. They live inside a grandiose fantasy that is too addictive and strong to break out of.
This renders them as untrustworthy, they search out your weaknesses to use as ammunition. They can appear to be the most caring, charming, loving person but this doesn’t last. They need you to open up willingly and give them something to use.
Your past doesn’t affect the future you can have if you don’t allow it. If you have had a bad passed, you can still have a better future by moving forward. Don’t let a narcissist use your past and vulnerabilities to keep you in a terrified limbo just because they want to hold you there.

The more hysterical and broken you get the more power they have, you have to understand that they are in control of the situation and you are not crazy. Someone who truly cares about you would not be so cruel.

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The covert narcissist- Gaslighting, mental abuse

A topic between me and my mother lately has been guilt. I have inherited her self blaming characteristic and it isn’t fun.
If you have ever been wronged by another person whether it be your partner, a boss or someone you called a friend. At the end of the day even though you didn’t do anything you still feel guilty, there might be a reason for it, you might have been manipulated.

quote-nobody-can-be-kinder-than-the-narcissist-while-you-react-to-life-in-his-own-terms-elizabeth-bowen-3-31-63It’s called covert aggressive personalities, masters of manipulation but also masters of convincing the world of their charm and selflessness. They’re hard to spot if you don’t know what you’re looking for and aren’t selfless at all in fact they’re extremely self-centered.
These types of people use your weaknesses to their advantage, they claim they have your best interests at heart but really they are only looking out for themselves. They say they want the best for you but really they want what is best for them, they want you to reflect a good imagine for themselves.

I personally found with the narcissist in my life that this reflecting could come in many forms but their main goal was to get something out of it. Whether that be helping you and giving you advice that they can brag about later, usually about what great advice they give and make themselves feel good whether it helped you isn’t really priority. Or they might just want you to do something their way because they are so convinced that their way is the only way.

They find sneaky tactics that result in a one way road and that road only goes their way. Even if they aren’t even doing it intentionally they are so convinced that they are right and this can become extremely toxic to be in close relations with. You cannot fight fairly if person you are fighting with cannot see any reason beyond their own.
They are so persistent and can be mentally exhausting when they go above and beyond to convince you they are right and you are not. There is a key word here, a word someone pointed out to me that I found myself using unintentionally when describing this narcissistic person. I would say the word, convinced, he convinced me of things. Actions speak louder than words but no actions were happening but this didn’t matter to him because he seemed to be able to convince me he would do all the things that he said he would do.

These types of people may seem overly caring, they are masters at flattery and they know just what to say to hook you in. This is called love bombing, things progress really quickly, you are showered with attention and affection and you think you have met the love of your life but it doesn’t last. They seem to have an on and an off switch when it comes to love and relationships and if someone can switch their feelings on and off at will then this is a major red flag.
The person who told you that they loved you, they wanted the best for you, they wanted to give you the best future and made so many promises suddenly out of nowhere hits reverse like none of that ever mattered.
For victims or survivors of narcissist abuse this can be heart breaking because usually victims were a narcissists prey for a reason, we are kind, we are giving and we are trusting. We are also easy targets for manipulation.

After this happened to me and the person who appeared to love me most suddenly blamed me for everything that had happened in the past 12 months. Along with other absurd excuses I had never heard of and even asked me to get an abortion at 16 weeks into my pregnancy simply because it would be more convenient for him. At first I believed that everything was my fault, I was a terrible person. Even though I had worked, been the only one of us with a stable income and even given them money to pay bills as well as airfares. I sacrificed my happiness, relocated for work, and gave up a lot for this person because I loved them and when I love someone I give it my all.
This person never made an effort, only saw me if I paid and would boss everyone else about like his little minions if I had a an issue, not once did he prove his greatness and be there for the me in the flesh, but he would tell me how much he cared.
Prime example of actions speaking louder than words, his own pathetic life, and believe me it was, was more important than my mental health. Obviously because they were driving me insane, telling me I was insane and using anything and everything to prove it.

Another scary tactic mental abusers use is gaslighting but this is even scarier when they start to bring other people into it. When they begin to convince people around you that you aren’t okay. You have to remember to tell yourself that weren’t this person before they came along. You were once a happy person living a regular life until you met them. I know it is very hard to do.
They are so good at deceiving that they can even fake emotions such as crying, when I say fake, they do actually cry but they will be thinking of themselves and their hardships in a situation. They’re not actually sorry for you they are sorry for themselves.

Are these people really that callous? I think in my case some of it was unintentional, but then again I am not sure maybe it was calculated and he was more cunning than I give him credit for. I do know that his main focus was himself and because of this I got hurt, worn down and tired of living my life on his terms.
When someone is trying to imply they think you’re crazy yet all the while will accept thousands of dollars from you, and never talk about paying it back, I do think there is something wrong with that. I do feel as though if I had of had the sense back then to take a step back and see it through someone else’s eyes I would have spoken up and said “hey that’s not right!” It was still my choice though, but I am extremely giving. I have done quite a bit for charity in my time and have given the shirt off my own back before to help a kitten in desperate need and walked home in my sports bra and singlet.

If you have had a similar experience with a covert narcissist you are not alone in feeling confused, blaming yourself or feeling guilt. Just remember the narcissist isn’t feeling any of that they just simply go back to the grandiose fantasies they have of themselves and unfortunately are on the hunt for other people they can use to the best of their advantage.

My final Goodbye- Thank you to a dog

Writing has become my outlet lately because if I have a thought I can write it down and read it later. My brain has been through so many events, it is exhausted, it is sad and I just can’t wait for the day when everything will be a distant memory.

I have been told I am not mentally stable, I have been pushed to my limits and broken down. I have tried to reach out to someone who I thought cared only to be told to just stop being so negative and then I might not be so depressed. I mean of only it was that simple.

I am not mentally unstable, in fact when the source that was telling me I was, eliminated itself, I began to heal.
Even my mum admitted she was so surprised how normal I am now, everyone says it. They tell me I look better, I have confidence back and I don’t seem to be stressed. No one has ever had any issues that this person claimed to have with me, which really says something, perhaps they were the issue all along. I couldn’t trust them, call it gut instinct, no matter how stressed, exhausted, crazy they made me feel something deep down told me I was still in this body, I was still me despite the changes I felt.

I don’t regret my dishonesty to them, because I felt as though things I was telling them were not going to be kept safe, they were using it, they weren’t here to be understanding they were here to gain the upper hand. I protected people in my life who would have only done the same for me. It’s amazing the damage one person can do if they’re determined to win.
I am grateful that my clouded mind, my traumatized memories, my extreme sadness still allowed me to protect those who are still here, supporting me. I didn’t tell everyone’s secrets, they didn’t need to dragged through the mud just because I was.

I am always so reluctant to talk about my past, even to those closest to me. I often find myself saying “I don’t want to seem like I am keeping secrets” by habit, only to be told my best friend “You aren’t, you don’t have to tell me anything you want kept private it isn’t going to affect our friendship”. He is right, the past is the past it doesn’t define the future I could have, but it might if it’s constantly dragged up whenever something isn’t right. Sure I have been affected by past, I don’t doubt, but constantly reminding me about it to try to shift blame or drill it in that I act a certain way because of it, doesn’t help. I hope I am not out of line saying this but speaking on behalf of people who have experienced trauma, it just doesn’t help to associate it with everything that goes wrong in our lives because it could taint new experiences with the wrong opinion.

Tunnel vision are the words I would use to explain the last 8 months, when you work so hard to achieve something, when you brave your own misery to get a job done. Imagine packing up the life you knew, the things you love and treasure the most. You make a daring choice to try to better your life because you aren’t crazy you know the life you are in isn’t the healthiest but you get by, you have found your peace and your direction. When it is all suddenly changed, you become so focused on the new plan.

I know how frantic I was, how stressed I was and I never want to experience it again. It was a time in my life that I reflect on and feel such anxiety, being anxious doesn’t mean you’re crazy either, it doesn’t mean you have this mental diagnoses, or this mental illness, it just simple means you are bloody stressed!
What causes stress is different for everyone, but for me what caused it was the fact that I was making a huge change with another person who was better off than I was yet I was the one with the income and I was the one who was supporting the relationship financially. It takes its toll, I am generous, if I love you I will give without hesitation but the right thing to do is, instead of taking and taking, is to help me out no matter what it takes. If someone is handing over money they are making sacrifices, and a relationship is supposed to be a two-way thing.

I seriously surprise myself because I know all of this yet my tunnel vision causes me to just be plain stupid. I can admit my faults, I can admit I have things I am not ready to talk about so I might avoid it, or if I am really pushed I might lie. I wouldn’t lie to gain, hurt or scam someone ever, I would for the sake of peace if someone wont drop things and I don’t trust them. Even my psychologist said telling those sorts of lies dont make you a bad person, remember that.

It might not seem like a big deal to most people but some will definitely understand, the hardest choice I made was to rehome my dog. I was away, I couldn’t take him where I was going even though believe me I wanted to! I couldn’t afford to support two adults and him, I was overwhelmed and felt very alone. I should not of rehomed him, I should have listened to my instincts and listened to others, the day I handed him over was the day I lost part of me as well.

The people who took him were friends of a friend, who loved dogs and seemed like very caring people and they are. I know this for sure now, after 6 months of tears, and worry about him, whether or not he has a good life, what does he look like now, wishing I could reach out.
My mum who is now closest to me saw my struggle, we are definitely animal loving people and she knew the pain. On my behalf she got in touch with his new owners, who assured me he is very loved and they even sent me photos.
I wasn’t the only one who cried looking at them, she did too. I hadn’t seen him in 8 months, I was sad but happy he was loved, happy that my baby looked happy.

Mum said to me “He has a name tag with a new name” she had zoomed into the picture and saw his dog tag said Jordy. I know he isn’t mine anymore and a new name for him means a new start but my heart shattered.
“I hate him, mum!” is what I sobbed that night, referring to the person I speak of above. I feel used, I feel like I was an ant being tortured by a kid with a magnifying glass, reacting to life on his terms.

I loved that dog so much, he was my savior, he showed me what loyalty and unconditional love really was. He was enough to get me through a dark time and he did it all with the biggest smile I have ever seen.

To me you will always be my Anakin.

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The cunning ways of a Gaslighter

He tore down the walls I had spent years putting up, but that’s all he had to do. I did the rest, I sabotaged my own world on his own terms.

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In my confused twisted mind, a mind that is riddled with thoughts of abuse, sadness and death. I still think he was right, the man who watched me burn.
I can switch from self-blame to hating him to the point where I fantasize about ripping him to shreds. It’s a vicious cycle.

I need to remember, or focus on remembering what I had done to me. I have been psychically abused before, but my bruises and cuts healed, I knew it was wrong, I knew where I stood. There is nothing for me that takes away the pain of being mentally tortured. To be diagnosed with mental problems I don’t have but made to think I actually do. Pushed to the point where I would lose it and that would prove my insanity.

A narcissist needs to be the victim, no matter how much turmoil they inflict upon you, they are the victim in the situation and you are over reacting. Their self-centered personality needs feeding, they need to feel like they’ve won.

This is my personal experience, but if you have ever suffered mental abuse at the hands of a narcissist on some level we are connected and have the mutual understanding of the fear that is endured.

I met a narcissist, I knew he was vain but in some way we all are, its key for our survival and loving yourself to some degree is healthy.
At first I didn’t mind, but months on when I let him into my life, when I shared my darkest thoughts and secrets I became prey. I became clay to be molded, sand to be sculpted.

I was living on his terms, I was gradually destroying my own peace of mind, I was unhappy but I was making my own choices, or was I?
Or was I just told over and over that it was my idea, until my depressed clouded brain believed it. It was my idea to pay for everything, my idea to give away thousands of my own money, my idea to relocate for work to support the both of us, and my idea to leave behind my pets.

It was my idea, but when someone tells you they care, someone who vows to always be there, someone who cannot be easily replaced, will never hurt me. Who supports everything I do, who listens to me when I am sad, who is admired by others, who is hard working….. The list could go on, they were all of this, when they put on their mask.
Underneath, they were none of this.

The cruelest thing I have ever had done to me was be strung along by someone who wanted to be a hero. They knew they only cared about themselves, they watched on by as I made the hardest decisions of my life so far.
I found a new home for my dog, a dog that was my real savior. He was my happiness, my smile on a rough day, my best friend.

I gave a piece of my soul away that day, all the while the narcissist sat upon his self entitled thrown, he held my heart while it shattered, without empathy.

I risk my clinically depressed mind because I was told I was fine I was told to pull myself together and find the way out because that’s what he had to do once, that one time he was suicidal. If you suffer from depression you know it’s not that easy. If you could just stop being sad, you would.

He wanted me to build myself back up in his imagine and was unsatisfied when I couldn’t or wouldn’t.
Nothing was his fault because I was mentally unstable, he couldn’t see that the bane of my existence was him. He caused the break down, he caused the most intense sadness I have ever experienced. Fear, like I have never felt fear before. For my own life, I didn’t trust myself, I could take pills, maybe. Maybe I could end the nightmare because I didn’t know which way was up and out.

I was scolded for reaching out to anyone else, he wanted me to go to him. I was afraid in the end, afraid of what information he would twist and turn into a half fabricated story mixed with truths to convince me of the evidence that I was just remembering incorrectly. I felt my mind slipping, I was confused about what was happening to me.
I began to lie, I would lie to save someone elses privacy from him as well as my own, I would lie to avoid an unnecessary fight, or to remove someone else from the firing line.

I had friends who had to endure also, endure punishment from the self entitled one. They saw from the outside how I had changed, how I was becoming. I was frantic, frustrated, stressed, exhausted. I was all this and he was unchanged, he appeared effortlessly cool and this was his cover.

I had sacrificed, my beloved animals, my happiness, my mental state. According to him he had sacrificed too, and this was his biggest lie. He had not sacrificed, not even his time because if I wanted to see him it was under his terms and conditions. On my hard-earned savings. Seeing me was a free holiday to another part of the world, something for him to brag about online, his travel, his exciting life.
It was my idea though, he never asked for the money. I wouldn’t see him if I didn’t pay and I have never been greedy with money. He knew this, he knew I would cave. I either paid or he wouldn’t bother.

You buy their false persona, their grandiose personality. They make you in some way pity them, their struggle. The struggle that might not even be real, or maybe it is it’s just blow out of proportion.
Their reality is mundane, really. They need to create the false self for others to see, they need to believe they are entitled to justify their shame.
The smallest criticism, fault, or wrong to a narcissist is magnified. They hold grudges for a long time, mostly so they can use it against you later on as an escape goat to shift the blame out of their court.

Being held accountable means they were wrong, they cannot be wrong, they must win.

Throw me to the wolves & I will only come back leader of the pack- Narcissism abuse.

 

Narcissistic abuse isn’t that spoken about, but victims of it know just how real and dangerous it can be on your mental health and even your psychical health.

quote-nobody-can-be-kinder-than-the-narcissist-while-you-react-to-life-in-his-own-terms-elizabeth-bowen-3-31-63

If you’re here reading this it is very possibly we have something in common, we have fallen prey to a narcissist. Like me you are probably searching for people alike, to read their stories in hopes to try to understand what has happened to you.
If the narcissist has already gotten into your head you might not fully understand who you are anymore, you’re changed, you aren’t sure of the person you were before your life with intoxicated with this person.
I know that’s how I felt and still feel now. I questioned myself, questioned my sanity, I questioned whether or not I was actually the narcissist. This is the impact the narcissist has on you.

Narcissistic abuse is not often recognized as abuse and a narcissist won’t be held accountable for their actions, they are masters at blame shifting and arguing with them is like arguing with a brick wall.
With the help of my psychiatrist and some further study I am beginning to understand and see the ways of these people. It has really helped me in the right direction to start my recovery because of course when I parted ways with this person I blamed myself for everything. The guilt ate me alive but the worse part was I didn’t actually understand what I was guilty of or what I was supposed to be blaming myself for. I was left feeling very mentally unstable and in my confusion I didn’t need a reason to feel guilty, I just blamed myself.

When he first walked out of my life, I felt a faint sense of relief. However that was soon overtaken by panic and anxiety of being alone, being without this person in my life. I would never find anyone as good and I what would I do without him?
If you went through these feelings, I completely understand how unbearable they are. The anxiety that hits you at certain times, the lonely depressed feeling, and the consistent “It was all my fault!” self-blaming.

For me, understanding NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) was extremely helpful for me to pick myself up. I would read, and speak to professionals about it and was able to piece together a puzzle. I was able to think “Hey, that is exactly what happened to me.”
Just like any disorder it can vary in symptoms and severity and you might be torn between still thinking that the narcissist is a great person because they don’t have certain traits. If you’re like me you want to see the good in everyone and it can be hard to get your focus off them.

They feed off this, they want you to focus on them even if they are giving you the silent treatment. This makes them feel strangely powerful, strange to you and me that is, to the narcasisst this is their reality. It makes them feel like they’re winning and that’s all a narcissist wants, is to win.
Since I have begun my study, I have realized this. It was hard but I picked myself up, got back into the world loudly and proudly. Even if I do not feel overly confident, I am not going to let him know.
Since he has been gone and some time as passed, I found a good therapist, opened up to trusted friends and family, and am starting to finally see that the person I feel in love with was a false persona. I was “lovebombed” and groomed with affection and attention that I believed to be real. Well, it was real, even to a narcissist it is their reality and they do believe it to be real.

I am naive, I came from a psychically abusive relationship and opened up very quickly about it. Something I don’t normally do but this is the charm of a narcissist, you think you have met the one and you are compelled to share everything.
At first I felt like I could talk about tragedies of my past and it was relief to find someone who understood but as time went on I realized that what I was saying was being dragged up whenever they needed to shift their blame.

Nothing was ever his fault, if confronted he would project the blame onto me and I believed it. The more depressed I got, the more my actions would be used against me.
He sat back and watched me sabotage my life, my happiness, everything I had and had worked hard for, gone.

You can’t lose it, you can’t have a moment of insanity even though you feel your life being molded and shaped into theirs. Any time you lose it, it is used as evidence to how crazy you are that the narcissists uses to gain sympathy from others and leverage over you.
If you have ever lost it, if you have ever broken down, I know how it feels and it is not your fault! I know how exhausted they leave you feeling, how anxious and frustrated you get after having to have certain important conversations.

I have had space to breathe and focus on myself. I am healing. For the first time in 7 years I am financially free, it’s the first time in my young adult life. I have no other adults to support but myself and my baby boy.
I even bought a car which will enhance my freedom further and baby got a fancy stroller. I am proud that I’ve earned and got this far on my own with nothing handed, despite obstacles, I have persisted and come out on top.

The narcissist wants be labeled as a hero

They manipulate and break you down in hopes you will build yourself back up in their image.

 

The thing I am most afraid of is falling victim to someone who is either psychically or mentally abusive all over again.
When someone wears you down, changes you, exhausts you, when they have broken you it feels like your mind isn’t your own anymore. You turn to them for everything, help, opinions, and eventually everyday life choices. They remind you time and time again that they are right, they haven’t been wrong yet, therefore you begin to believe the choices you make are not the right ones.

When you have hit rock bottom, the saying goes there is no where else to go but up, but what happens if you feel as though you are stuck, frozen in time?
This is exactly what a narcissist wants, they want to guide you, they want to “help” you for their own personal gain. They want to be a hero, they want to be able to say to you later on “I did this for you”. They want to tell others of their great deed, how they saved you from yourself, and the most scary part of it all is that they actually believe that they did.

These people are very good at controlling you, but all the while making it seem like it was your idea, it was all your plan.
I know all this because I ended up in a situation where I going down a path that I was unsure of it. I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted and no matter how much I seemed to express this the end result would be the same, it was going to be better for me. It was almost as if the decision was made for me, by me, as though the words of future were carefully placed in my mouth. Even though in the beginning I had my own direction, my own life, that was suddenly lost.

I went from a psychically abusive relationship, to one that rearranged the furniture in my head completely.
When I hit the very bottom I couldn’t scramble back up on my own in my own image, I started to take on his but I wasn’t happy doing so, I did it with what started to feel like resent. I was empty, all that I loved was gone and I was replying on someone else’s happiness and so-called “achievements“.

To bring light to my certain situation, I had given up my pets to move overseas, if you follow some of my previous blogs you will learn how much they meant to be me, how beneficial they are from someone who suffers from clinical depression and severe anxiety. Before I knew it I had given them up (re-homed) and was moving to another country. I was the only one with an income so my already weakened and exhausted mind had to the added pressure of I must do this to support us and I was.

I had broken.

The pocessions I was left with was whatever I could manage to fit into a small suitcase. I was working a new job so I could get to America, a country I wasn’t sure about going too, away from everyone I knew. How could I be happy in this situation? Why was I even going?
I was going because I was convinced I had met someone who was right, someone who was perfect, someone that accepted my flaws and the baggage my past had left with me. I was impressionable, naive and very vulnerable, I was like putty to be sculpted and willingly to allow it because I was convinced I could believe and trust someone. They drilled it into my head that they had never let me down, that they had always lived up to their promises, when in fact they had not. None of that mattered though because their words were louder than their actions, their words were clever and convincing.

What these sort of people find very frustrating is that when you’re broken to this point you’re not getting back up just because they want you to. They aren’t broken, they aren’t the back bone of the whole partnership. They are happy and enjoying life and it felt like I was having someone poke me repeatedly saying “hey! get up and be happy for me and my achievements”.¬†

It seems as though they are not satisfied when you do not get back up in their honor. They weren’t the hero they sought out to be. To them you’re no longer of use for their personal endeavors.
They cut the cord without hesitation, to them it was nothing, they can seemingly switch any feelings they had for you off. They can continue enjoying their life with a sense of accomplishment, they tried their best to help someone. A narcissist is a master at blocking out any negative feedback about themselves and refuse to accept responsibility for any wrong doing they may have caused. Nothing was their fault, everything was yours. If this sounds familiar you may be in a relationship with a narcissist.

They can take, and take from you justifying this by saying “I never asked for it” yet they still continue to take. They feel entitled to it, they feel they are more deserving than others.

I am such a giving person, I am not greedy by any means and I am not sure I know how to be selfish, and if I ever have been it was unintentional and guilt got the best of me afterwards. If I feel someone needs something more than me I will give it.

I have never really had the chance in my young working life to buy anything top range for myself. I have always made do because I would think “do I really need that“. Recently now that I am rid of toxic freeloading people I decided to buy the latest iPhone, with my own money I have worked for. It took me 3 weeks of debating with myself on whether or not I needed it, I wanted it because my current phone was terrible and old. Funny thing is I would have handed over thousands for this person in my life to buy plane tickets with so we could see each other, without a second thought.

This little example is just one instance but it is a daily reminder of how easy I can be used if someone see’s this side of me with underlying intentions.

Good things don’t always happen to good people, and good people can often be used as a doormat for those who are only going to look out for themselves.