The cruelty of the Narcissist

We all know someone we can class as a little narcissistic, I mean we ourselves are all slightly narcissistic, its key for our survival. It can be become an issue though, an issue that is overlooked and possibly even ignored because a true narcissist is cunning, covert and completely in control of their actions.
My entire life I never thought about narcissistic personality disorder, I mean why would I? It wasn’t a problem for me until I met someone who was a true narcissist and then all hell broke loose.

The most scary part of it is, that they have no idea of the damage they have caused, to them it was no more than a bit of fun. They are so good at being covertly deceitful that they can fool themselves into believing they are a victim no matter what they make anyone else undergo.
Sound familiar? Maybe just reading that makes you frustrated because you have experienced it. You know what I am talking about, it is hard for someone to comprehend if they have not been through it or encountered a true narcissist.

I know it frustrates me beyond words! Some people are lucky they get away, they pick up the broken pieces and find themselves again. I envy those people, I wish I had of gotten out sooner rather than later before it was all engraved in my brain.

A brief history on what happened to me, just for the purpose of an example of what I am talking about.
I sacrificed a life I had made for myself, everything that once kept my depression at bay, for a person who convinced me it would be best. Best for me, my health, my safety I never fully understood why but apparently this person cared enough.
I was paying for most things, airfares, accommodation, their own bills, and pretty much everything else. I wasn’t forced but the way it was presented was that if I did not pay I would not be able to see this person  who loved me and of course I loved them and wanted to give them the world. They knew this and whenever I gave an inch they would take a mile.

In the end, everything was my fault. I was a terrible person, I wasn’t enough to make them happy. I was worn down, exhausted, yet they still wanted me to get up and support them, be open with them, help them achieve their dreams and goals. They went back to their life better off, they had free holidays, bills paid and used it all for their self gain. I was left shattered, empty and feeling like I was the worse person on earth because I wasn’t doing enough. How does that even work?

These sorta of people relish in playing the victim. Their overly inflated ego let’s them create fabricated scenarios where they were wronged when really they were not. You were probably just and fair but if the results aren’t a narcissist getting what they want, they convince themselves you have wronged them.

There is no way to even bother explaining it to them, they cannot see a logical reason unless it is centered around themselves. They live inside a grandiose fantasy that is too addictive and strong to break out of.
This renders them as untrustworthy, they search out your weaknesses to use as ammunition. They can appear to be the most caring, charming, loving person but this doesn’t last. They need you to open up willingly and give them something to use.
Your past doesn’t affect the future you can have if you don’t allow it. If you have had a bad passed, you can still have a better future by moving forward. Don’t let a narcissist use your past and vulnerabilities to keep you in a terrified limbo just because they want to hold you there.

The more hysterical and broken you get the more power they have, you have to understand that they are in control of the situation and you are not crazy. Someone who truly cares about you would not be so cruel.

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The covert narcissist- Gaslighting, mental abuse

A topic between me and my mother lately has been guilt. I have inherited her self blaming characteristic and it isn’t fun.
If you have ever been wronged by another person whether it be your partner, a boss or someone you called a friend. At the end of the day even though you didn’t do anything you still feel guilty, there might be a reason for it, you might have been manipulated.

quote-nobody-can-be-kinder-than-the-narcissist-while-you-react-to-life-in-his-own-terms-elizabeth-bowen-3-31-63It’s called covert aggressive personalities, masters of manipulation but also masters of convincing the world of their charm and selflessness. They’re hard to spot if you don’t know what you’re looking for and aren’t selfless at all in fact they’re extremely self-centered.
These types of people use your weaknesses to their advantage, they claim they have your best interests at heart but really they are only looking out for themselves. They say they want the best for you but really they want what is best for them, they want you to reflect a good imagine for themselves.

I personally found with the narcissist in my life that this reflecting could come in many forms but their main goal was to get something out of it. Whether that be helping you and giving you advice that they can brag about later, usually about what great advice they give and make themselves feel good whether it helped you isn’t really priority. Or they might just want you to do something their way because they are so convinced that their way is the only way.

They find sneaky tactics that result in a one way road and that road only goes their way. Even if they aren’t even doing it intentionally they are so convinced that they are right and this can become extremely toxic to be in close relations with. You cannot fight fairly if person you are fighting with cannot see any reason beyond their own.
They are so persistent and can be mentally exhausting when they go above and beyond to convince you they are right and you are not. There is a key word here, a word someone pointed out to me that I found myself using unintentionally when describing this narcissistic person. I would say the word, convinced, he convinced me of things. Actions speak louder than words but no actions were happening but this didn’t matter to him because he seemed to be able to convince me he would do all the things that he said he would do.

These types of people may seem overly caring, they are masters at flattery and they know just what to say to hook you in. This is called love bombing, things progress really quickly, you are showered with attention and affection and you think you have met the love of your life but it doesn’t last. They seem to have an on and an off switch when it comes to love and relationships and if someone can switch their feelings on and off at will then this is a major red flag.
The person who told you that they loved you, they wanted the best for you, they wanted to give you the best future and made so many promises suddenly out of nowhere hits reverse like none of that ever mattered.
For victims or survivors of narcissist abuse this can be heart breaking because usually victims were a narcissists prey for a reason, we are kind, we are giving and we are trusting. We are also easy targets for manipulation.

After this happened to me and the person who appeared to love me most suddenly blamed me for everything that had happened in the past 12 months. Along with other absurd excuses I had never heard of and even asked me to get an abortion at 16 weeks into my pregnancy simply because it would be more convenient for him. At first I believed that everything was my fault, I was a terrible person. Even though I had worked, been the only one of us with a stable income and even given them money to pay bills as well as airfares. I sacrificed my happiness, relocated for work, and gave up a lot for this person because I loved them and when I love someone I give it my all.
This person never made an effort, only saw me if I paid and would boss everyone else about like his little minions if I had a an issue, not once did he prove his greatness and be there for the me in the flesh, but he would tell me how much he cared.
Prime example of actions speaking louder than words, his own pathetic life, and believe me it was, was more important than my mental health. Obviously because they were driving me insane, telling me I was insane and using anything and everything to prove it.

Another scary tactic mental abusers use is gaslighting but this is even scarier when they start to bring other people into it. When they begin to convince people around you that you aren’t okay. You have to remember to tell yourself that weren’t this person before they came along. You were once a happy person living a regular life until you met them. I know it is very hard to do.
They are so good at deceiving that they can even fake emotions such as crying, when I say fake, they do actually cry but they will be thinking of themselves and their hardships in a situation. They’re not actually sorry for you they are sorry for themselves.

Are these people really that callous? I think in my case some of it was unintentional, but then again I am not sure maybe it was calculated and he was more cunning than I give him credit for. I do know that his main focus was himself and because of this I got hurt, worn down and tired of living my life on his terms.
When someone is trying to imply they think you’re crazy yet all the while will accept thousands of dollars from you, and never talk about paying it back, I do think there is something wrong with that. I do feel as though if I had of had the sense back then to take a step back and see it through someone else’s eyes I would have spoken up and said “hey that’s not right!” It was still my choice though, but I am extremely giving. I have done quite a bit for charity in my time and have given the shirt off my own back before to help a kitten in desperate need and walked home in my sports bra and singlet.

If you have had a similar experience with a covert narcissist you are not alone in feeling confused, blaming yourself or feeling guilt. Just remember the narcissist isn’t feeling any of that they just simply go back to the grandiose fantasies they have of themselves and unfortunately are on the hunt for other people they can use to the best of their advantage.

Grief, depression and mental abuse- a lonely journey.

If you suffer from chronic depression, you may have your okay days, and your really low days. I can’t say I have experienced a day in the last 3 years where throughout the whole day I was nothing but happy. Even if I felt very flat, almost lonely in a way. That’s how I would personally describe my depression anyway.

I have experienced infant loss, I have experience domestic violence and mental abuse from a narcissist. I went from one terrible relationship to the next. How? Why? I have asked myself that as well, I have thought maybe I am just not worthy of love. Maybe I am just stupid.
Delving in a bit deeper with a psychologist uncovered something I never would have thought would matter. I am an individual, I am not my mother, I am not her mother, I am me so why does this pattern of abusive relationships keep me in a vicious loop?

My real father, was psychically and emotionally abusive to my mother and she left him when I was a baby. I haven’t met him since, I write to him every now and then and he responds but I don’t have an interest, nor have I ever really had a desire to spend time with him and get to really know him. I have had other father figures in my life and that was enough.
My mother’s, mother was in the same situation when my mum was a baby, an abusive relationship that she had to walk away from.
Now I also was in a very bad relationship, fell pregnant and I too will be a single mother.

History has repeated for a third time it would seem. My psychologist asked me if I have any relationships I can look up to and set an expectation for myself, I don’t actually know of any. I allowed myself to fall into a narcissists trap just because he wasn’t psychically abusive like my last boyfriend. He would often remind me that he was better than my last boyfriend also, I thought it was great. Little did I realize emotional torment would start and I would actually find it a lot harder to recover from than any psychical abuse I had ever experienced.

My mind was more delicate than my body ever was. Especially gone through having a still-born and then not knowing how to cope and isolating myself. I didn’t get the help I needed, I put all my grief and sorrows and locked it away inside the heart of a puppy. This is how my psychologist explained it, I thought I was insane and mistook the puppy for the baby I had lost, even though I knew he was a dog and not human it makes more sense that I would channel my grief into a dog.
It is not uncommon, and sometimes people will put their grief into an object. Then they have trouble parting with it. It becomes a symbol of their loss, something they can look at and touch.

Mine was living and breathing, mine was a puppy and they are hard work not so different from a child really. I knew what he sounded like, I knew he had a little quirky personality, I knew what his fur smelt like.

My grief made me so desperate, I felt like I just had to survive it. I had to survive myself, I had to find purpose otherwise I found myself slipping into darkness. I developed a way to cope with my dog, soon the darkness turned to just grey.
That is when I met someone who saw I was vulnerable and I became a target. I became prey.

I was made to prove myself while they barely lifted a finger, I was forking out thousands of dollars to travel overseas to see them and allow them to travel to me. They didn’t work, they had no money. They weren’t willing to work to afford to see me, they knew I was weak and they knew I would pay. They never offered to pay me back for plane tickets. They would accept it when I would suggest I pay dinner, sometimes really expensive restaurants, hotels, I even paid their bills. I just wanted to be kind because I truly cared for them.

Sometimes it helps to write all this down so I clearly see the way they acted was disgusting.
It gets worse because they were gaslighting me, telling me I had various sorts of disorders. They were using my weaknesses from an abusive past to prove I had all these disorders, just because I was anxious and frightened. They would prolong and heighten the fear so I would act out and then they would pounced on me. They were using things I thought I could trust them with to project any problem back onto me. It came down to it ALWAYS being my fault.

I believed it was, I believed I was a terrible person. I was isolated and felt like this person, this person that I knew I couldn’t trust was the only one I could turn to. I started to have family members turned against me, family members questioned by behavior. It was terrifying for me because that just proved I was losing my mind.
I was told I was negative because of depression, I was told that I shouldn’t be sad any longer for a child I had lost because I was having another, I was having theirs. I was told to find a way out and stop being depressed, basically. It made it worse because I started to force myself to feel happiness when I didn’t and it made me sick.

I have none of those disorders this person claimed I have. I was very stressed, I was very unhappy. Anyone who is working their back side off to support themselves and another adult who doesn’t seem to making an effort in return is stressful. Thinking you’re going insane is stressful, I even checked myself into a hospital one night out of fear of myself. Only to find I was fine, I was rational and I was self-aware, I was explaining the situation and the psychiatrist simply said “You are in an abusive relationship. Get out!”.

I did, and I am fine. I am no longer stressed, I am no longer worried about finances. I am making normal relationships with people and enjoying aspects of life again.
I am not cured of depression, I have my days where I get overwhelmed with grief still but that is okay. There isn’t a time limit on grieving and I found when I allowed myself to have my bad days and stopped forcing myself to have good ones, I began to heal, in my own time.

If someone truly loves you they will wait for you, especially when they knew you suffered all along. If they are impatient, if they expect you to feel happiness when you just cannot find it yet then they’re only inconvenienced for very selfish reasons.

The cunning ways of a Gaslighter

He tore down the walls I had spent years putting up, but that’s all he had to do. I did the rest, I sabotaged my own world on his own terms.

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In my confused twisted mind, a mind that is riddled with thoughts of abuse, sadness and death. I still think he was right, the man who watched me burn.
I can switch from self-blame to hating him to the point where I fantasize about ripping him to shreds. It’s a vicious cycle.

I need to remember, or focus on remembering what I had done to me. I have been psychically abused before, but my bruises and cuts healed, I knew it was wrong, I knew where I stood. There is nothing for me that takes away the pain of being mentally tortured. To be diagnosed with mental problems I don’t have but made to think I actually do. Pushed to the point where I would lose it and that would prove my insanity.

A narcissist needs to be the victim, no matter how much turmoil they inflict upon you, they are the victim in the situation and you are over reacting. Their self-centered personality needs feeding, they need to feel like they’ve won.

This is my personal experience, but if you have ever suffered mental abuse at the hands of a narcissist on some level we are connected and have the mutual understanding of the fear that is endured.

I met a narcissist, I knew he was vain but in some way we all are, its key for our survival and loving yourself to some degree is healthy.
At first I didn’t mind, but months on when I let him into my life, when I shared my darkest thoughts and secrets I became prey. I became clay to be molded, sand to be sculpted.

I was living on his terms, I was gradually destroying my own peace of mind, I was unhappy but I was making my own choices, or was I?
Or was I just told over and over that it was my idea, until my depressed clouded brain believed it. It was my idea to pay for everything, my idea to give away thousands of my own money, my idea to relocate for work to support the both of us, and my idea to leave behind my pets.

It was my idea, but when someone tells you they care, someone who vows to always be there, someone who cannot be easily replaced, will never hurt me. Who supports everything I do, who listens to me when I am sad, who is admired by others, who is hard working….. The list could go on, they were all of this, when they put on their mask.
Underneath, they were none of this.

The cruelest thing I have ever had done to me was be strung along by someone who wanted to be a hero. They knew they only cared about themselves, they watched on by as I made the hardest decisions of my life so far.
I found a new home for my dog, a dog that was my real savior. He was my happiness, my smile on a rough day, my best friend.

I gave a piece of my soul away that day, all the while the narcissist sat upon his self entitled thrown, he held my heart while it shattered, without empathy.

I risk my clinically depressed mind because I was told I was fine I was told to pull myself together and find the way out because that’s what he had to do once, that one time he was suicidal. If you suffer from depression you know it’s not that easy. If you could just stop being sad, you would.

He wanted me to build myself back up in his imagine and was unsatisfied when I couldn’t or wouldn’t.
Nothing was his fault because I was mentally unstable, he couldn’t see that the bane of my existence was him. He caused the break down, he caused the most intense sadness I have ever experienced. Fear, like I have never felt fear before. For my own life, I didn’t trust myself, I could take pills, maybe. Maybe I could end the nightmare because I didn’t know which way was up and out.

I was scolded for reaching out to anyone else, he wanted me to go to him. I was afraid in the end, afraid of what information he would twist and turn into a half fabricated story mixed with truths to convince me of the evidence that I was just remembering incorrectly. I felt my mind slipping, I was confused about what was happening to me.
I began to lie, I would lie to save someone elses privacy from him as well as my own, I would lie to avoid an unnecessary fight, or to remove someone else from the firing line.

I had friends who had to endure also, endure punishment from the self entitled one. They saw from the outside how I had changed, how I was becoming. I was frantic, frustrated, stressed, exhausted. I was all this and he was unchanged, he appeared effortlessly cool and this was his cover.

I had sacrificed, my beloved animals, my happiness, my mental state. According to him he had sacrificed too, and this was his biggest lie. He had not sacrificed, not even his time because if I wanted to see him it was under his terms and conditions. On my hard-earned savings. Seeing me was a free holiday to another part of the world, something for him to brag about online, his travel, his exciting life.
It was my idea though, he never asked for the money. I wouldn’t see him if I didn’t pay and I have never been greedy with money. He knew this, he knew I would cave. I either paid or he wouldn’t bother.

You buy their false persona, their grandiose personality. They make you in some way pity them, their struggle. The struggle that might not even be real, or maybe it is it’s just blow out of proportion.
Their reality is mundane, really. They need to create the false self for others to see, they need to believe they are entitled to justify their shame.
The smallest criticism, fault, or wrong to a narcissist is magnified. They hold grudges for a long time, mostly so they can use it against you later on as an escape goat to shift the blame out of their court.

Being held accountable means they were wrong, they cannot be wrong, they must win.

“Just try to be more positive.”- Depression is an illness & we don’t choose it.

If you asked me to describe depression to you in my own words, I would tell you that to me it feels like I walk around the edge of a big black hole, and sometimes I fall in.

I have been balancing along the edge of the abyss for a long time now and two years ago I fell in, I have fallen way down and it is too dark for me to find my way back out.
This does not mean I am sitting around crying and feeling sorry for myself day in and day out. I think that is what conclusion a lot of people jump to when you tell them you suffer from clinical depression.
Let me put that myth to rest, because I still try everyday, most suffers I know still try. Yes, you do lose interest in things you once found enjoyable, and yes, you feel hopelessness and may lose your appetite and think about harming yourself. There are many symptoms that weigh you down. But if you’re like me and you’re still here fighting it, and giving life a go no matter how much you might not want to get out of bed in the morning, then, well done!

If the key to happiness was simply not feeling sad, then believe me I would have taken that path years ago.
No, I push on even when I do not want too, I work, I try to still do those activities I know I once love because I remember the feelings of happiness and joy they gave me even if I do not feel the same now, because I hope one day those feelings return.

I have encountered some ignorant people, people who will say things like “You look fine, though.” or “Just try to be more positive.”
For starters, long-term suffers I find tend to not dwell on their misery. We can laugh at your jokes, smile at you, or seem completely fine because depression is a disorder not a choice.

To really doubt whether you should be left alone or not in fear of ending your life is terrifying. I do not want to end my life, but when you constantly suffer and it’s gone on for years you start to see death in a different light, you start to become curious about what it would feel like to not have to feel at all. At least this is what it is like for me, I cannot speak for everyone and I know we all experience things differently and I understand and accept that.
I know there are those who do not, though. I find it hard to open up about my depression and anxiety in fear that someone will not understand and that can only make it worse. When you someone telling you to “be more positive.” It adds pressure and heightens anxiety.
I genuinely am actually a positive person and if I use phrases like “I doubt it” or “I don’t think it’s going to happen.” I am not being pessimistic, I am going off of experiences and I believe if you prepare yourself for the worst you wont be so disappointed.  Just because I choose to see things this way doesn’t mean it is the cause my depression, when will people get that.

Depression can happen to any of us, at any time and sometimes it doesn’t even need a reason to curse us with its ugly presence. I really wanted to write something down tonight as I am struggling (some nights are worse than others). I wanted to try to reassure those who might feel the same way.
If someone doesn’t understand your depression or they’re making you feel guilty for being this way, just remember, they probably don’t have depression, they’re most likely not a doctor, and if they think it is as simple as just getting over it they don’t realize how lucky they are. We all experience bouts of sadness, but sadness and depression are not that same thing, sadness is temporary.

It got really dark before I saw the light- I had a mental breakdown at 25.

Most of us use the term “I am having a mental breakdown” to describe a tough day or just when something isn’t going right, resulting in frustration.
I will never use the phrase loosely again, because I had actually did have a mental breakdown and it lasted months. The most scary part of having a nervous breakdown is that the person experiencing it has no idea they are actually having one. Well, at least I had no idea, I honestly thought I was going insane towards the end.
It had built up over years, my psychical and mental health slowly but steadily declined. I became extremely depressed, but at the same time I found ways to cope, grit my teeth and bare it. It is for this reason I did not seek professional help, I thought I was fine and I thought I was strong enough to beat it on my own.
I am strong, I pushed through the constant thoughts of suicide that entered my mind, I found happiness in the company of a dog and kept sane by my love of outdoors. When I felt my thoughts going to that dark corner of my mind, I knew it was time to saddle up my dog and go bush walking. I say saddle because he was huge, and I quite small so it always felt like I was tacking up a pony, there is no other way to describe getting my dog ready for a walk.

I went in labor at 19 weeks into a previous pregnancy, the thoughts from that night still haunt me and my brain has blocked out a lot of the trauma for me, but of course it’s still there, deep down those memories hide. It was a warm night, I remember that much, I was feeling unwell and thinking I was just over heating. The pain grew, and I knew something was very wrong. We were far from help, far from a town, even to call an ambulance I would still need to wait, and time wasn’t on my side. It was so quick and before I knew it I needed to push, I gave birth to a tiny baby girl in the car that night on the side of the road. Too fragile, too undeveloped to survive on her own. My brain was still logical at that point and I had to accept fate. She couldn’t breathe on her own, her lungs hadn’t developed to be able to do so. The world just could not take her, and she was born just to turn into an angel, at least that’s how my mother puts it.
I was only 23, at that age we never would guess how cruel the world can be until it decides to show us.

This was the starting point for my depression, but denial made it worse. I don’t remember much that happened in the weeks after, it seems like a blurred dream. Sometimes I think to myself “Did that really happen, or am I imagining it?” my psychiatrist said flashbacks are usually caused by the brain remembering a suppressed memory that is triggered by a certain situation, or even a sound or smell.
I have been told I would pace, I vaguely remember the pacing. I remember the soothing but odd feeling it bought me, as if I could pass time really quickly if I kept moving.
I spoke to various doctors, psychiatrists, and lots of other people after it happened but my brain wasn’t taking anything in, the lights were on but no one was home so to speak.

Just because a traumatic event happens to someone, does not mean they are going to immediately have a breakdown, or become severely depressed right away. It took almost 3 years for everything to catch up with me, and when it did, it hit me hard.
Unfortunately I dragged someone down with me, someone who really had no idea what he was getting himself into. He wanted to help, but he wasn’t a professional, he wasn’t psychically with me either, we was overseas but we spoke daily and at the time I thought it was enough. When I met him, well just before I met him I was at rock bottom, I had been in an abusive relationship with my former partner, the one I had the baby girl too. Even though him and I had separated about a year and half after the miscarriage I was free from his narcissistic abusive behavior but I was still struggling.
Then I met this other person, who held out their hand to me, little did he know at the time but he was a lifeline. Little did I know that I couldn’t be saved from the breakdown that was edging closer.

So what are the signs you could possibly be having a mental breakdown, keep in mind they don’t all come at once, symptoms include anxiety, depression, memory loss, distorted reality, flashbacks, unable to stop crying or stop yourself randomly bursting into tears, restlessness, dramatic change in mood, and a strong desire to self harm. There are many other symptoms because we are all different and all experience things at a different level of intensity but my psychiatrist said anything out of the ordinary that you wouldn’t normally be doing can contribute.
It is easy to believe you are insane, you forget the person you were before the depression even started, it becomes harder to imagine what it would be like to return to your former self because it’s been so long you have actually forgotten who that person was.

Pressure and stress makes it worse, unfortunately my quest to desperately recover added to it all. I need to get better, I need to be stronger, was the worse thing I could possibly tell myself as it added more pressure than I could handle. It adds pressure on others as well, those trying to help but are unsuccessful can’t understand what they’re doing wrong. This starts a whole vicious cycle of self blame as well as looking for others to blame.
There is hope yet, I started to receive professional help, I got to know and trust the people I talk to and my psychiatrist put me on medication before tackling my past trauma to make sure I had a more stable mind to avoid anything like this happening again.
Guess what? It is working, I am still very sad, I have lost a lot in the last year and I still have a lot of grieving to do but being able to freely grieve and know exactly what it is I am sad about, which is such a relief than being distraught and not entirely knowing why.

Having a mental breakdown does not mean you’re crazy. It means something is wrong and we are unable to help ourselves in that moment. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness and neither is going on medication. I have heard or even been told myself, that you do not need medication. Well sometimes you do if it helps.
Never let anyone else tell you what they think you might need because it could lead to a tragic ending, and if you or someone you know is suffering from depression seek medical advice because trying to tackle it on your own is a difficult and dangerious journey.