I was diagnosed with chronic depression in 2014, but probably suffered from it a little bit longer than I sought out medical advice for.
Good things don’t happen to us all the time and I don’t actually believe in karma. I was having a conversation with my mother earlier who was saying today she was having a bad day and missing her friend who had passed away from an aggressive brain tumor that came on very suddenly.
I sensed her frustration as she said to me “Why can’t it have happened to a murders, and not good people?!” This got me thinking, karma does not exist no matter how many inspirational Facebook quotes we post about it. Life just happens, whether you’re a good person or not, being a good person does not guarantee a perfect happy life.
I know this from person experience, I have at one time in my life been in a long-term abusive relationship, lost a baby at 19 weeks of the pregnancy, met another man, got married only to have him leave me when I was 16 weeks pregnant into my third pregnancy.
I do not have any children due to misscarriages but I really want to be a mother.
All this ends up weighing heavily on ones shoulders, and to add to it, if you have read my previous blog I made the mistake to re-home my dog who was my source of happiness throughout all this.
The plan for me was to move to America to join my Husband in Los Angeles, his idea originally but I was the only one with stable income. I was paying for his flights if I wanted to see him, even gave him cash to pay his bills, all the while he just enjoyed a freeloader lifestyle with relatives at the age of almost 30 while he pursued a career in the music industry.
I am all for supporting people following their passion that I have learned that you cannot sacrifice your own happiness to do so. I did just that, I wasn’t used to the feeling of pure happiness of my own in quite sometime so I turned his happiness into my own, and you can only stretch someone else’s happiness in replace of your own so far.
He never asked me for money I gave it willingly which he uses to justify the whole sitution, but for me it kind of makes it more heart breaking because I only wanted to help and support him and I feel as though he took advantage. He will beg to differ but like a say later on in this blog I will literally work myself to the bone for those I love for them to have the best life they can have, if even if I am not asked. Even if you suggest I take a break. I now believe and realize if you really want to give someone you love a break, and you’re perfectly capable, get out there and lend them a helping hand no matter what it takes.
How would we survive on my small savings of $20,000? Where would I work when I finally got overseas? Would it have to be workigng illegally? How do I get my giant dog from Australia to America and afford to have my child?
These thoughts would replay in my head, I knew deep down, even though I was strongly in denial, that I was the only one willing to work hard enough to achieve this plan, but I am naive and would sacrifice for those I love most. I only 26 and still have a lot to learn, but believe me I am learning fast!
I sacrificed a lot, at the top of the list of course, my pets, even though I was willing to work myself into a heap of bones piled on the floor to take them with me, my previous living situation was a bad one so I probably would have had to move on anyway at some point.
I gave up my happiness to work away from my hometown for months on end to support a grown and capable man who was not putting forward anything only promises that he could never seem to meet. Actions speak louder than words and all he gave me were words but my first instinct is to believe those I love and try to triumph the bad with letting the good overwrite it.
My grandmother says “People don’t change, they only reveal their true selves.” How true this is, I took myself down the hard road to have to learn this. This is my problem, of course, I don’t blame anyone but myself, why do I do these things and when will I learn?
I continuously blame myself for everything and it has made my depression worse.
My husband told me to terminate the pregnancy at 16 weeks because he thought it was best. I had seen my baby on ultrasounds, moving about happy and healthy, I had heard his little heart beat grow stronger and stronger, I was not about to end his life!
Why do I feel so guilty for not abiding my husbands wishes? He doesn’t speak to me currently, not that I care, but he doesn’t even ask about his child, that believe it or not if I kept he wants to be part of its life.
Why do I let guilt take hold of me? I feel guilty that my child wont have a father, no matter how many times I tell myself it is best this way.
I feel guilty because I let a 30-year-old man tell me I “quilted” him into having a child, I didn’t rape him, he wasn’t in tears tied down, trying to escape at the time we decided to make the child.
To clarify, I wasn’t sure about going to America due to wanting to have a child on my own. This was something I had thought long and hard about after losing a baby and having an abusive partner, I preferred life on my own and I have always been very independent and loving towards children and animals. After my miscarriage I had gotten a bad infection in my uterus that I was taking courses of antibiotics on and off for. I would go through periods where it was all okay, and then out of no where it would strike with vengeance, spreading to my kidney and bladder at times and I would be straight back on antibiotics. Eventually this would lead to me having a hysterectomy by the time I was 30 if my condition hadn’t gotten any better. I had looked into carry a baby on my own, and was told the earlier I had I did choose to have a baby, if I chose to have one at all, the better my chances were, of course like any situation there was pros and cons. I weighed them up, and knew if I didn’t try I would live with regret.
My pregnancy is going so well, I have had 3 miscarriages in total, but two of those were before I barely even found out I was pregnant. I should feel blessed and happy, I feel extremely grateful but my depression wont let go, and again, I am pretty sure it is due to guilt.
Nothing is my fault and my fault alone, really. We all make mistakes but I think if you’re trying to cater for everyone else’s needs and happiness we eventually feel guilty if we can’t please everyone.
Keeping this baby is the most selfish thing I have ever done and my psychiatrist reminds me religiously that keeping my child is not selfish. I have only been told it is by someone who is using the trick of guilt to get out of a situation they don’t want to be in, even though they are across the other side of the world pretending to be famous and taking 100 selfies a week to remind us all what they look like on a daily basis. My point being, he couldn’t care less and appears to not have a care in the world.
If you have suffered something similar to this where you think guilt is fueling your depression you are not alone.
This is just my experience with it, but people around me speak of their experiences also, and the moral of the storty is always same, guilt can and will eat you alive!