The cruelty of the Narcissist

We all know someone we can class as a little narcissistic, I mean we ourselves are all slightly narcissistic, its key for our survival. It can be become an issue though, an issue that is overlooked and possibly even ignored because a true narcissist is cunning, covert and completely in control of their actions.
My entire life I never thought about narcissistic personality disorder, I mean why would I? It wasn’t a problem for me until I met someone who was a true narcissist and then all hell broke loose.

The most scary part of it is, that they have no idea of the damage they have caused, to them it was no more than a bit of fun. They are so good at being covertly deceitful that they can fool themselves into believing they are a victim no matter what they make anyone else undergo.
Sound familiar? Maybe just reading that makes you frustrated because you have experienced it. You know what I am talking about, it is hard for someone to comprehend if they have not been through it or encountered a true narcissist.

I know it frustrates me beyond words! Some people are lucky they get away, they pick up the broken pieces and find themselves again. I envy those people, I wish I had of gotten out sooner rather than later before it was all engraved in my brain.

A brief history on what happened to me, just for the purpose of an example of what I am talking about.
I sacrificed a life I had made for myself, everything that once kept my depression at bay, for a person who convinced me it would be best. Best for me, my health, my safety I never fully understood why but apparently this person cared enough.
I was paying for most things, airfares, accommodation, their own bills, and pretty much everything else. I wasn’t forced but the way it was presented was that if I did not pay I would not be able to see this person¬† who loved me and of course I loved them and wanted to give them the world. They knew this and whenever I gave an inch they would take a mile.

In the end, everything was my fault. I was a terrible person, I wasn’t enough to make them happy. I was worn down, exhausted, yet they still wanted me to get up and support them, be open with them, help them achieve their dreams and goals. They went back to their life better off, they had free holidays, bills paid and used it all for their self gain. I was left shattered, empty and feeling like I was the worse person on earth because I wasn’t doing enough. How does that even work?

These sorta of people relish in playing the victim. Their overly inflated ego let’s them create fabricated scenarios where they were wronged when really they were not. You were probably just and fair but if the results aren’t a narcissist getting what they want, they convince themselves you have wronged them.

There is no way to even bother explaining it to them, they cannot see a logical reason unless it is centered around themselves. They live inside a grandiose fantasy that is too addictive and strong to break out of.
This renders them as untrustworthy, they search out your weaknesses to use as ammunition. They can appear to be the most caring, charming, loving person but this doesn’t last. They need you to open up willingly and give them something to use.
Your past doesn’t affect the future you can have if you don’t allow it. If you have had a bad passed, you can still have a better future by moving forward. Don’t let a narcissist use your past and vulnerabilities to keep you in a terrified limbo just because they want to hold you there.

The more hysterical and broken you get the more power they have, you have to understand that they are in control of the situation and you are not crazy. Someone who truly cares about you would not be so cruel.


The covert narcissist- Gaslighting, mental abuse

A topic between me and my mother lately has been guilt. I have inherited her self blaming characteristic and it isn’t fun.
If you have ever been wronged by another person whether it be your partner, a boss or someone you called a friend. At the end of the day even though you didn’t do anything you still feel guilty, there might be a reason for it, you might have been manipulated.

quote-nobody-can-be-kinder-than-the-narcissist-while-you-react-to-life-in-his-own-terms-elizabeth-bowen-3-31-63It’s called covert aggressive personalities, masters of manipulation but also masters of convincing the world of their charm and selflessness. They’re hard to spot if you don’t know what you’re looking for and aren’t selfless at all in fact they’re extremely self-centered.
These types of people use your weaknesses to their advantage, they claim they have your best interests at heart but really they are only looking out for themselves. They say they want the best for you but really they want what is best for them, they want you to reflect a good imagine for themselves.

I personally found with the narcissist in my life that this reflecting could come in many forms but their main goal was to get something out of it. Whether that be helping you and giving you advice that they can brag about later, usually about what great advice they give and make themselves feel good whether it helped you isn’t really priority. Or they might just want you to do something their way because they are so convinced that their way is the only way.

They find sneaky tactics that result in a one way road and that road only goes their way. Even if they aren’t even doing it intentionally they are so convinced that they are right and this can become extremely toxic to be in close relations with. You cannot fight fairly if person you are fighting with cannot see any reason beyond their own.
They are so persistent and can be mentally exhausting when they go above and beyond to convince you they are right and you are not. There is a key word here, a word someone pointed out to me that I found myself using unintentionally when describing this narcissistic person. I would say the word, convinced, he convinced me of things. Actions speak louder than words but no actions were happening but this didn’t matter to him because he seemed to be able to convince me he would do all the things that he said he would do.

These types of people may seem overly caring, they are masters at flattery and they know just what to say to hook you in. This is called love bombing, things progress really quickly, you are showered with attention and affection and you think you have met the love of your life but it doesn’t last. They seem to have an on and an off switch when it comes to love and relationships and if someone can switch their feelings on and off at will then this is a major red flag.
The person who told you that they loved you, they wanted the best for you, they wanted to give you the best future and made so many promises suddenly out of nowhere hits reverse like none of that ever mattered.
For victims or survivors of narcissist abuse this can be heart breaking because usually victims were a narcissists prey for a reason, we are kind, we are giving and we are trusting. We are also easy targets for manipulation.

After this happened to me and the person who appeared to love me most suddenly blamed me for everything that had happened in the past 12 months. Along with other absurd excuses I had never heard of and even asked me to get an abortion at 16 weeks into my pregnancy simply because it would be more convenient for him. At first I believed that everything was my fault, I was a terrible person. Even though I had worked, been the only one of us with a stable income and even given them money to pay bills as well as airfares. I sacrificed my happiness, relocated for work, and gave up a lot for this person because I loved them and when I love someone I give it my all.
This person never made an effort, only saw me if I paid and would boss everyone else about like his little minions if I had a an issue, not once did he prove his greatness and be there for the me in the flesh, but he would tell me how much he cared.
Prime example of actions speaking louder than words, his own pathetic life, and believe me it was, was more important than my mental health. Obviously because they were driving me insane, telling me I was insane and using anything and everything to prove it.

Another scary tactic mental abusers use is gaslighting but this is even scarier when they start to bring other people into it. When they begin to convince people around you that you aren’t okay. You have to remember to tell yourself that weren’t this person before they came along. You were once a happy person living a regular life until you met them. I know it is very hard to do.
They are so good at deceiving that they can even fake emotions such as crying, when I say fake, they do actually cry but they will be thinking of themselves and their hardships in a situation. They’re not actually sorry for you they are sorry for themselves.

Are these people really that callous? I think in my case some of it was unintentional, but then again I am not sure maybe it was calculated and he was more cunning than I give him credit for. I do know that his main focus was himself and because of this I got hurt, worn down and tired of living my life on his terms.
When someone is trying to imply they think you’re crazy yet all the while will accept thousands of dollars from you, and never talk about paying it back, I do think there is something wrong with that. I do feel as though if I had of had the sense back then to take a step back and see it through someone else’s eyes I would have spoken up and said “hey that’s not right!” It was still my choice though, but I am extremely giving. I have done quite a bit for charity in my time and have given the shirt off my own back before to help a kitten in desperate need and walked home in my sports bra and singlet.

If you have had a similar experience with a covert narcissist you are not alone in feeling confused, blaming yourself or feeling guilt. Just remember the narcissist isn’t feeling any of that they just simply go back to the grandiose fantasies they have of themselves and unfortunately are on the hunt for other people they can use to the best of their advantage.

“Just try to be more positive.”- Depression is an illness & we don’t choose it.

If you asked me to describe depression to you in my own words, I would tell you that to me it feels like I walk around the edge of a big black hole, and sometimes I fall in.

I have been balancing along the edge of the abyss for a long time now and two years ago I fell in, I have fallen way down and it is too dark for me to find my way back out.
This does not mean I am sitting around crying and feeling sorry for myself day in and day out. I think that is what conclusion a lot of people jump to when you tell them you suffer from clinical depression.
Let me put that myth to rest, because I still try everyday, most suffers I know still try. Yes, you do lose interest in things you once found enjoyable, and yes, you feel hopelessness and may lose your appetite and think about harming yourself. There are many symptoms that weigh you down. But if you’re like me and you’re still here fighting it, and giving life a go no matter how much you might not want to get out of bed in the morning, then, well done!

If the key to happiness was simply not feeling sad, then believe me I would have taken that path years ago.
No, I push on even when I do not want too, I work, I try to still do those activities I know I once love because I remember the feelings of happiness and joy they gave me even if I do not feel the same now, because I hope one day those feelings return.

I have encountered some ignorant people, people who will say things like “You look fine, though.” or “Just try to be more positive.”
For starters, long-term suffers I find tend to not dwell on their misery. We can laugh at your jokes, smile at you, or seem completely fine because depression is a disorder not a choice.

To really doubt whether you should be left alone or not in fear of ending your life is terrifying. I do not want to end my life, but when you constantly suffer and it’s gone on for years you start to see death in a different light, you start to become curious about what it would feel like to not have to feel at all. At least this is what it is like for me, I cannot speak for everyone and I know we all experience things differently and I understand and accept that.
I know there are those who do not, though. I find it hard to open up about my depression and anxiety in fear that someone will not understand and that can only make it worse. When you someone telling you to “be more positive.” It adds pressure and heightens anxiety.
I genuinely am actually a positive person and if I use phrases like “I doubt it” or “I don’t think it’s going to happen.” I am not being pessimistic, I am going off of experiences and I believe if you prepare yourself for the worst you wont be so disappointed.¬† Just because I choose to see things this way doesn’t mean it is the cause my depression, when will people get that.

Depression can happen to any of us, at any time and sometimes it doesn’t even need a reason to curse us with its ugly presence. I really wanted to write something down tonight as I am struggling (some nights are worse than others). I wanted to try to reassure those who might feel the same way.
If someone doesn’t understand your depression or they’re making you feel guilty for being this way, just remember, they probably don’t have depression, they’re most likely not a doctor, and if they think it is as simple as just getting over it they don’t realize how lucky they are. We all experience bouts of sadness, but sadness and depression are not that same thing, sadness is temporary.

Could guilt be fueling our depression?

I was diagnosed with chronic depression in 2014, but probably suffered from it a little bit longer than I sought out medical advice for.
Good things don’t happen to us all the time and I don’t actually believe in karma. I was having a conversation with my mother earlier who was saying today she was having a bad day and missing her friend who had passed away from an aggressive brain tumor that came on very suddenly.
I sensed her frustration as she said to me “Why can’t it have happened to a murders, and not good people?!” This got me thinking, karma does not exist no matter how many inspirational Facebook quotes we post about it. Life just happens, whether you’re a good person or not, being a good person does not guarantee a perfect happy life.

I know this from person experience, I have at one time in my life been in a long-term abusive relationship, lost a baby at 19 weeks of the pregnancy, met another man, got married only to have him leave me when I was 16 weeks pregnant into my third pregnancy.
I do not have any children due to misscarriages but I really want to be a mother.
All this ends up weighing heavily on ones shoulders, and to add to it, if you have read my previous blog I made the mistake to re-home my dog who was my source of happiness throughout all this.
The plan for me was to move to America to join my Husband in Los Angeles, his idea originally but I was the only one with stable income. I was paying for his flights if I wanted to see him, even gave him cash to pay his bills, all the while he just enjoyed a freeloader lifestyle with relatives at the age of almost 30 while he pursued a career in the music industry.
I am all for supporting people following their passion that I have learned that you cannot sacrifice your own happiness to do so. I did just that, I wasn’t used to the feeling of pure happiness of my own in quite sometime so I turned his happiness into my own, and you can only stretch someone else’s happiness in replace of your own so far.
He never asked me for money I gave it willingly which he uses to justify the whole sitution, but for me it kind of makes it more heart breaking because I only wanted to help and support him and I feel as though he took advantage. He will beg to differ but like a say later on in this blog I will literally work myself to the bone for those I love for them to have the best life they can have, if even if I am not asked. Even if you suggest I take a break. I now believe and realize if you really want to give someone you love a break, and you’re perfectly capable, get out there and lend them a helping hand no matter what it takes.

How would we survive on my small savings of $20,000? Where would I work when I finally got overseas? Would it have to be workigng illegally? How do I get my giant dog from Australia to America and afford to have my child?
These thoughts would replay in my head, I knew deep down, even though I was strongly in denial, that I was the only one willing to work hard enough to achieve this plan, but I am naive and would sacrifice for those I love most. I only 26 and still have a lot to learn, but believe me I am learning fast!
I sacrificed a lot, at the top of the list of course, my pets, even though I was willing to work myself into a heap of bones piled on the floor to take them with me, my previous living situation was a bad one so I probably would have had to move on anyway at some point.
I gave up my happiness to work away from my hometown for months on end to support a grown and capable man who was not putting forward anything only promises that he could never seem to meet. Actions speak louder than words and all he gave me were words but my first instinct is to believe those I love and try to triumph the bad with letting the good overwrite it.
My grandmother says “People don’t change, they only reveal their true selves.” How true this is, I took myself down the hard road to have to learn this. This is my problem, of course, I don’t blame anyone but myself, why do I do these things and when will I learn?
I continuously blame myself for everything and it has made my depression worse.

My husband told me to terminate the pregnancy at 16 weeks because he thought it was best. I had seen my baby on ultrasounds, moving about happy and healthy, I had heard his little heart beat grow stronger and stronger, I was not about to end his life!
Why do I feel so guilty for not abiding my husbands wishes? He doesn’t speak to me currently, not that I care, but he doesn’t even ask about his child, that believe it or not if I kept he wants to be part of its life.
Why do I let guilt take hold of me? I feel guilty that my child wont have a father, no matter how many times I tell myself it is best this way.
I feel guilty because I let a 30-year-old man tell me I “quilted” him into having a child, I didn’t rape him, he wasn’t in tears tied down, trying to escape at the time we decided to make the child.
To clarify, I wasn’t sure about going to America due to wanting to have a child on my own. This was something I had thought long and hard about after losing a baby and having an abusive partner, I preferred life on my own and I have always been very independent and loving towards children and animals. After my miscarriage I had gotten a bad infection in my uterus that I was taking courses of antibiotics on and off for. I would go through periods where it was all okay, and then out of no where it would strike with vengeance, spreading to my kidney and bladder at times and I would be straight back on antibiotics. Eventually this would lead to me having a hysterectomy by the time I was 30 if my condition hadn’t gotten any better. I had looked into carry a baby on my own, and was told the earlier I had I did choose to have a baby, if I chose to have one at all, the better my chances were, of course like any situation there was pros and cons. I weighed them up, and knew if I didn’t try I would live with regret.
My pregnancy is going so well, I have had 3 miscarriages in total, but two of those were before I barely even found out I was pregnant. I should feel blessed and happy, I feel extremely grateful but my depression wont let go, and again, I am pretty sure it is due to guilt.
Nothing is my fault and my fault alone, really. We all make mistakes but I think if you’re trying to cater for everyone else’s needs and happiness we eventually feel guilty if we can’t please everyone.
Keeping this baby is the most selfish thing I have ever done and my psychiatrist reminds me religiously that keeping my child is not selfish. I have only been told it is by someone who is using the trick of guilt to get out of a situation they don’t want to be in, even though they are across the other side of the world pretending to be famous and taking 100 selfies a week to remind us all what they look like on a daily basis. My point being, he couldn’t care less and appears to not have a care in the world.

If you have suffered something similar to this where you think guilt is fueling your depression you are not alone.
This is just my experience with it, but people around me speak of their experiences also, and the moral of the storty is always same, guilt can and will eat you alive!