The cheater vs the hard worker

Sometimes people don’t realise how much they’re actually winning at life. Just because it doesn’t feel like it, just because it’s a slow journey and a hard one doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough. The most important thing I have realised in the last year is just how important it is to be able to achieve something without having to use others and to be able to have relationships purely for the joy of it not because you see what that person can do for you.
If you cannot support yourself, and need to use others pay checks because you don’t even have $500 to your name then you’re not working. Anyone can make business cards, anyone can throw together a website and anyone can have 10k followers on instagram. I have 10k followers and I’m no one important, I’m not special but I already know this and I don’t have grandiose fantasies about my abilities.
I wanted to post this because I’ve had so many conversations with people lately who fear they aren’t good enough because all these “entrepreneurs” with their slick websites and business cards have the upper hand. Don’t be fooled, because yes some people work really hard and those people are people like yourself but others do not. I personally know this from experience. Take away their fancy website, their twitter and their bloody business cards and they’re just ordinary people the only thing that remains is their overly inflated ego.
They’re not the hard workers you think they are because their full-time job is actually using other people to gain whatever they can.

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Grief, depression and mental abuse- a lonely journey.

If you suffer from chronic depression, you may have your okay days, and your really low days. I can’t say I have experienced a day in the last 3 years where throughout the whole day I was nothing but happy. Even if I felt very flat, almost lonely in a way. That’s how I would personally describe my depression anyway.

I have experienced infant loss, I have experience domestic violence and mental abuse from a narcissist. I went from one terrible relationship to the next. How? Why? I have asked myself that as well, I have thought maybe I am just not worthy of love. Maybe I am just stupid.
Delving in a bit deeper with a psychologist uncovered something I never would have thought would matter. I am an individual, I am not my mother, I am not her mother, I am me so why does this pattern of abusive relationships keep me in a vicious loop?

My real father, was psychically and emotionally abusive to my mother and she left him when I was a baby. I haven’t met him since, I write to him every now and then and he responds but I don’t have an interest, nor have I ever really had a desire to spend time with him and get to really know him. I have had other father figures in my life and that was enough.
My mother’s, mother was in the same situation when my mum was a baby, an abusive relationship that she had to walk away from.
Now I also was in a very bad relationship, fell pregnant and I too will be a single mother.

History has repeated for a third time it would seem. My psychologist asked me if I have any relationships I can look up to and set an expectation for myself, I don’t actually know of any. I allowed myself to fall into a narcissists trap just because he wasn’t psychically abusive like my last boyfriend. He would often remind me that he was better than my last boyfriend also, I thought it was great. Little did I realize emotional torment would start and I would actually find it a lot harder to recover from than any psychical abuse I had ever experienced.

My mind was more delicate than my body ever was. Especially gone through having a still-born and then not knowing how to cope and isolating myself. I didn’t get the help I needed, I put all my grief and sorrows and locked it away inside the heart of a puppy. This is how my psychologist explained it, I thought I was insane and mistook the puppy for the baby I had lost, even though I knew he was a dog and not human it makes more sense that I would channel my grief into a dog.
It is not uncommon, and sometimes people will put their grief into an object. Then they have trouble parting with it. It becomes a symbol of their loss, something they can look at and touch.

Mine was living and breathing, mine was a puppy and they are hard work not so different from a child really. I knew what he sounded like, I knew he had a little quirky personality, I knew what his fur smelt like.

My grief made me so desperate, I felt like I just had to survive it. I had to survive myself, I had to find purpose otherwise I found myself slipping into darkness. I developed a way to cope with my dog, soon the darkness turned to just grey.
That is when I met someone who saw I was vulnerable and I became a target. I became prey.

I was made to prove myself while they barely lifted a finger, I was forking out thousands of dollars to travel overseas to see them and allow them to travel to me. They didn’t work, they had no money. They weren’t willing to work to afford to see me, they knew I was weak and they knew I would pay. They never offered to pay me back for plane tickets. They would accept it when I would suggest I pay dinner, sometimes really expensive restaurants, hotels, I even paid their bills. I just wanted to be kind because I truly cared for them.

Sometimes it helps to write all this down so I clearly see the way they acted was disgusting.
It gets worse because they were gaslighting me, telling me I had various sorts of disorders. They were using my weaknesses from an abusive past to prove I had all these disorders, just because I was anxious and frightened. They would prolong and heighten the fear so I would act out and then they would pounced on me. They were using things I thought I could trust them with to project any problem back onto me. It came down to it ALWAYS being my fault.

I believed it was, I believed I was a terrible person. I was isolated and felt like this person, this person that I knew I couldn’t trust was the only one I could turn to. I started to have family members turned against me, family members questioned by behavior. It was terrifying for me because that just proved I was losing my mind.
I was told I was negative because of depression, I was told that I shouldn’t be sad any longer for a child I had lost because I was having another, I was having theirs. I was told to find a way out and stop being depressed, basically. It made it worse because I started to force myself to feel happiness when I didn’t and it made me sick.

I have none of those disorders this person claimed I have. I was very stressed, I was very unhappy. Anyone who is working their back side off to support themselves and another adult who doesn’t seem to making an effort in return is stressful. Thinking you’re going insane is stressful, I even checked myself into a hospital one night out of fear of myself. Only to find I was fine, I was rational and I was self-aware, I was explaining the situation and the psychiatrist simply said “You are in an abusive relationship. Get out!”.

I did, and I am fine. I am no longer stressed, I am no longer worried about finances. I am making normal relationships with people and enjoying aspects of life again.
I am not cured of depression, I have my days where I get overwhelmed with grief still but that is okay. There isn’t a time limit on grieving and I found when I allowed myself to have my bad days and stopped forcing myself to have good ones, I began to heal, in my own time.

If someone truly loves you they will wait for you, especially when they knew you suffered all along. If they are impatient, if they expect you to feel happiness when you just cannot find it yet then they’re only inconvenienced for very selfish reasons.

Triangulation- The manipulation tactic. Narcissism abuse.

Triangulation is a manipulation tactic where one person will not communicate directly with another person, instead using a third person to relay communication to the second, thus forming a triangle.

Using this tactic you can manipulate the conversation and what is said between two people, possibly turning them against each other, this is known as divide and conquer.

Pretty scary stuff, especially when you do not know what is being said, you feel the situation slipping completely out of control. At least if the manipulation is happening to you directly and only you, you still in some sense feel as though you have a little control over the situation but if a third-party is involved that’s when you start to feel extremely powerless.

This has happened to me, and of all the narcissism, mind games, and endless fighting I endured this was a breaking point for me when my own mother was dragged into it. My mother can get quite stressed out, naturally like any mother over her children so this was an extremely cruel move.
My now ex husband thought he would try to gain the upper hand by then telling and sending her links to information of various mental disorders he had self diagnosed me with. He wasn’t being direct with me in what he was saying to her and she didn’t know what to do or say to me because she seemed to get a whole different story from me.

This was extremely upsetting and confusing for both of us, when she would have to ask me something to confirm and I would look at her puzzled and say “wait what?!”. Not to mention, my mum has a bad memory, not in the same way I am with certain memories my brain has block and possibly overwritten but early signs of possible Alzheimer’s. She could easily be told something or maybe not told something and then be told she was remembering it wrong or that you never actually said something, and she would surrender and just reply with a confused “oh…“. Very unfair if you really wanted to use that to your advantage.

Not only was he in my head, but my mother felt like he was getting into hers. She said since she started communicating with him she has become increasingly stressed and on edge, I also felt like this but for a majority of the time.

I started to even withhold information about my past or anything I wanted kept private, I would even tell lies! I don’t lie, I normally wouldn’t to my family or close friends that I trust but when you have someone who demands to know everything, who will bring up things you have told them later on when they need to used it to prove their point or just belittle you and make you feel insecure, you feel desperate to avoid it and so I would just lie.
I would never lie to gain things or hurt people, even if I was hurting my ex husband by doing so, I was protecting other people and myself. He wasn’t hurt though, he was just annoyed I was hiding things because he wanted and had to know everything about me all of the time.

I didn’t particularly know my ex husband as he lived overseas and if I wanted to see him I had to pay his way, which I did, regrettably. He could have been doing anything over there, I will never really know, I never got to the point where I found out (never moved overseas to join him).
I had trouble trusting him and I don’t even have an explanation for that, to an extent I did trust him, I trusted the person he appeared to be but something deep down in my gut just didn’t trust him fully at all in the end.

He has gone now, he doesn’t openly contact me as I am no use to him anymore, neither is my mother nor would she talk to him again. I am absolutely fine since he has been gone, I am no longer stressed, my mind feels clear and I feel free.
This says a lot about the circumstances I was in, I have never had an issue or these sort of issues he claimed I had with anyone else before only him, therefore he was the issue.

Throw me to the wolves & I will only come back leader of the pack- Narcissism abuse.

 

Narcissistic abuse isn’t that spoken about, but victims of it know just how real and dangerous it can be on your mental health and even your psychical health.

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If you’re here reading this it is very possibly we have something in common, we have fallen prey to a narcissist. Like me you are probably searching for people alike, to read their stories in hopes to try to understand what has happened to you.
If the narcissist has already gotten into your head you might not fully understand who you are anymore, you’re changed, you aren’t sure of the person you were before your life with intoxicated with this person.
I know that’s how I felt and still feel now. I questioned myself, questioned my sanity, I questioned whether or not I was actually the narcissist. This is the impact the narcissist has on you.

Narcissistic abuse is not often recognized as abuse and a narcissist won’t be held accountable for their actions, they are masters at blame shifting and arguing with them is like arguing with a brick wall.
With the help of my psychiatrist and some further study I am beginning to understand and see the ways of these people. It has really helped me in the right direction to start my recovery because of course when I parted ways with this person I blamed myself for everything. The guilt ate me alive but the worse part was I didn’t actually understand what I was guilty of or what I was supposed to be blaming myself for. I was left feeling very mentally unstable and in my confusion I didn’t need a reason to feel guilty, I just blamed myself.

When he first walked out of my life, I felt a faint sense of relief. However that was soon overtaken by panic and anxiety of being alone, being without this person in my life. I would never find anyone as good and I what would I do without him?
If you went through these feelings, I completely understand how unbearable they are. The anxiety that hits you at certain times, the lonely depressed feeling, and the consistent “It was all my fault!” self-blaming.

For me, understanding NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) was extremely helpful for me to pick myself up. I would read, and speak to professionals about it and was able to piece together a puzzle. I was able to think “Hey, that is exactly what happened to me.”
Just like any disorder it can vary in symptoms and severity and you might be torn between still thinking that the narcissist is a great person because they don’t have certain traits. If you’re like me you want to see the good in everyone and it can be hard to get your focus off them.

They feed off this, they want you to focus on them even if they are giving you the silent treatment. This makes them feel strangely powerful, strange to you and me that is, to the narcasisst this is their reality. It makes them feel like they’re winning and that’s all a narcissist wants, is to win.
Since I have begun my study, I have realized this. It was hard but I picked myself up, got back into the world loudly and proudly. Even if I do not feel overly confident, I am not going to let him know.
Since he has been gone and some time as passed, I found a good therapist, opened up to trusted friends and family, and am starting to finally see that the person I feel in love with was a false persona. I was “lovebombed” and groomed with affection and attention that I believed to be real. Well, it was real, even to a narcissist it is their reality and they do believe it to be real.

I am naive, I came from a psychically abusive relationship and opened up very quickly about it. Something I don’t normally do but this is the charm of a narcissist, you think you have met the one and you are compelled to share everything.
At first I felt like I could talk about tragedies of my past and it was relief to find someone who understood but as time went on I realized that what I was saying was being dragged up whenever they needed to shift their blame.

Nothing was ever his fault, if confronted he would project the blame onto me and I believed it. The more depressed I got, the more my actions would be used against me.
He sat back and watched me sabotage my life, my happiness, everything I had and had worked hard for, gone.

You can’t lose it, you can’t have a moment of insanity even though you feel your life being molded and shaped into theirs. Any time you lose it, it is used as evidence to how crazy you are that the narcissists uses to gain sympathy from others and leverage over you.
If you have ever lost it, if you have ever broken down, I know how it feels and it is not your fault! I know how exhausted they leave you feeling, how anxious and frustrated you get after having to have certain important conversations.

I have had space to breathe and focus on myself. I am healing. For the first time in 7 years I am financially free, it’s the first time in my young adult life. I have no other adults to support but myself and my baby boy.
I even bought a car which will enhance my freedom further and baby got a fancy stroller. I am proud that I’ve earned and got this far on my own with nothing handed, despite obstacles, I have persisted and come out on top.

The narcissist wants be labeled as a hero

They manipulate and break you down in hopes you will build yourself back up in their image.

 

The thing I am most afraid of is falling victim to someone who is either psychically or mentally abusive all over again.
When someone wears you down, changes you, exhausts you, when they have broken you it feels like your mind isn’t your own anymore. You turn to them for everything, help, opinions, and eventually everyday life choices. They remind you time and time again that they are right, they haven’t been wrong yet, therefore you begin to believe the choices you make are not the right ones.

When you have hit rock bottom, the saying goes there is no where else to go but up, but what happens if you feel as though you are stuck, frozen in time?
This is exactly what a narcissist wants, they want to guide you, they want to “help” you for their own personal gain. They want to be a hero, they want to be able to say to you later on “I did this for you”. They want to tell others of their great deed, how they saved you from yourself, and the most scary part of it all is that they actually believe that they did.

These people are very good at controlling you, but all the while making it seem like it was your idea, it was all your plan.
I know all this because I ended up in a situation where I going down a path that I was unsure of it. I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted and no matter how much I seemed to express this the end result would be the same, it was going to be better for me. It was almost as if the decision was made for me, by me, as though the words of future were carefully placed in my mouth. Even though in the beginning I had my own direction, my own life, that was suddenly lost.

I went from a psychically abusive relationship, to one that rearranged the furniture in my head completely.
When I hit the very bottom I couldn’t scramble back up on my own in my own image, I started to take on his but I wasn’t happy doing so, I did it with what started to feel like resent. I was empty, all that I loved was gone and I was replying on someone else’s happiness and so-called “achievements“.

To bring light to my certain situation, I had given up my pets to move overseas, if you follow some of my previous blogs you will learn how much they meant to be me, how beneficial they are from someone who suffers from clinical depression and severe anxiety. Before I knew it I had given them up (re-homed) and was moving to another country. I was the only one with an income so my already weakened and exhausted mind had to the added pressure of I must do this to support us and I was.

I had broken.

The pocessions I was left with was whatever I could manage to fit into a small suitcase. I was working a new job so I could get to America, a country I wasn’t sure about going too, away from everyone I knew. How could I be happy in this situation? Why was I even going?
I was going because I was convinced I had met someone who was right, someone who was perfect, someone that accepted my flaws and the baggage my past had left with me. I was impressionable, naive and very vulnerable, I was like putty to be sculpted and willingly to allow it because I was convinced I could believe and trust someone. They drilled it into my head that they had never let me down, that they had always lived up to their promises, when in fact they had not. None of that mattered though because their words were louder than their actions, their words were clever and convincing.

What these sort of people find very frustrating is that when you’re broken to this point you’re not getting back up just because they want you to. They aren’t broken, they aren’t the back bone of the whole partnership. They are happy and enjoying life and it felt like I was having someone poke me repeatedly saying “hey! get up and be happy for me and my achievements”. 

It seems as though they are not satisfied when you do not get back up in their honor. They weren’t the hero they sought out to be. To them you’re no longer of use for their personal endeavors.
They cut the cord without hesitation, to them it was nothing, they can seemingly switch any feelings they had for you off. They can continue enjoying their life with a sense of accomplishment, they tried their best to help someone. A narcissist is a master at blocking out any negative feedback about themselves and refuse to accept responsibility for any wrong doing they may have caused. Nothing was their fault, everything was yours. If this sounds familiar you may be in a relationship with a narcissist.

They can take, and take from you justifying this by saying “I never asked for it” yet they still continue to take. They feel entitled to it, they feel they are more deserving than others.

I am such a giving person, I am not greedy by any means and I am not sure I know how to be selfish, and if I ever have been it was unintentional and guilt got the best of me afterwards. If I feel someone needs something more than me I will give it.

I have never really had the chance in my young working life to buy anything top range for myself. I have always made do because I would think “do I really need that“. Recently now that I am rid of toxic freeloading people I decided to buy the latest iPhone, with my own money I have worked for. It took me 3 weeks of debating with myself on whether or not I needed it, I wanted it because my current phone was terrible and old. Funny thing is I would have handed over thousands for this person in my life to buy plane tickets with so we could see each other, without a second thought.

This little example is just one instance but it is a daily reminder of how easy I can be used if someone see’s this side of me with underlying intentions.

Good things don’t always happen to good people, and good people can often be used as a doormat for those who are only going to look out for themselves.

“Just try to be more positive.”- Depression is an illness & we don’t choose it.

If you asked me to describe depression to you in my own words, I would tell you that to me it feels like I walk around the edge of a big black hole, and sometimes I fall in.

I have been balancing along the edge of the abyss for a long time now and two years ago I fell in, I have fallen way down and it is too dark for me to find my way back out.
This does not mean I am sitting around crying and feeling sorry for myself day in and day out. I think that is what conclusion a lot of people jump to when you tell them you suffer from clinical depression.
Let me put that myth to rest, because I still try everyday, most suffers I know still try. Yes, you do lose interest in things you once found enjoyable, and yes, you feel hopelessness and may lose your appetite and think about harming yourself. There are many symptoms that weigh you down. But if you’re like me and you’re still here fighting it, and giving life a go no matter how much you might not want to get out of bed in the morning, then, well done!

If the key to happiness was simply not feeling sad, then believe me I would have taken that path years ago.
No, I push on even when I do not want too, I work, I try to still do those activities I know I once love because I remember the feelings of happiness and joy they gave me even if I do not feel the same now, because I hope one day those feelings return.

I have encountered some ignorant people, people who will say things like “You look fine, though.” or “Just try to be more positive.”
For starters, long-term suffers I find tend to not dwell on their misery. We can laugh at your jokes, smile at you, or seem completely fine because depression is a disorder not a choice.

To really doubt whether you should be left alone or not in fear of ending your life is terrifying. I do not want to end my life, but when you constantly suffer and it’s gone on for years you start to see death in a different light, you start to become curious about what it would feel like to not have to feel at all. At least this is what it is like for me, I cannot speak for everyone and I know we all experience things differently and I understand and accept that.
I know there are those who do not, though. I find it hard to open up about my depression and anxiety in fear that someone will not understand and that can only make it worse. When you someone telling you to “be more positive.” It adds pressure and heightens anxiety.
I genuinely am actually a positive person and if I use phrases like “I doubt it” or “I don’t think it’s going to happen.” I am not being pessimistic, I am going off of experiences and I believe if you prepare yourself for the worst you wont be so disappointed.  Just because I choose to see things this way doesn’t mean it is the cause my depression, when will people get that.

Depression can happen to any of us, at any time and sometimes it doesn’t even need a reason to curse us with its ugly presence. I really wanted to write something down tonight as I am struggling (some nights are worse than others). I wanted to try to reassure those who might feel the same way.
If someone doesn’t understand your depression or they’re making you feel guilty for being this way, just remember, they probably don’t have depression, they’re most likely not a doctor, and if they think it is as simple as just getting over it they don’t realize how lucky they are. We all experience bouts of sadness, but sadness and depression are not that same thing, sadness is temporary.

It got really dark before I saw the light- I had a mental breakdown at 25.

Most of us use the term “I am having a mental breakdown” to describe a tough day or just when something isn’t going right, resulting in frustration.
I will never use the phrase loosely again, because I had actually did have a mental breakdown and it lasted months. The most scary part of having a nervous breakdown is that the person experiencing it has no idea they are actually having one. Well, at least I had no idea, I honestly thought I was going insane towards the end.
It had built up over years, my psychical and mental health slowly but steadily declined. I became extremely depressed, but at the same time I found ways to cope, grit my teeth and bare it. It is for this reason I did not seek professional help, I thought I was fine and I thought I was strong enough to beat it on my own.
I am strong, I pushed through the constant thoughts of suicide that entered my mind, I found happiness in the company of a dog and kept sane by my love of outdoors. When I felt my thoughts going to that dark corner of my mind, I knew it was time to saddle up my dog and go bush walking. I say saddle because he was huge, and I quite small so it always felt like I was tacking up a pony, there is no other way to describe getting my dog ready for a walk.

I went in labor at 19 weeks into a previous pregnancy, the thoughts from that night still haunt me and my brain has blocked out a lot of the trauma for me, but of course it’s still there, deep down those memories hide. It was a warm night, I remember that much, I was feeling unwell and thinking I was just over heating. The pain grew, and I knew something was very wrong. We were far from help, far from a town, even to call an ambulance I would still need to wait, and time wasn’t on my side. It was so quick and before I knew it I needed to push, I gave birth to a tiny baby girl in the car that night on the side of the road. Too fragile, too undeveloped to survive on her own. My brain was still logical at that point and I had to accept fate. She couldn’t breathe on her own, her lungs hadn’t developed to be able to do so. The world just could not take her, and she was born just to turn into an angel, at least that’s how my mother puts it.
I was only 23, at that age we never would guess how cruel the world can be until it decides to show us.

This was the starting point for my depression, but denial made it worse. I don’t remember much that happened in the weeks after, it seems like a blurred dream. Sometimes I think to myself “Did that really happen, or am I imagining it?” my psychiatrist said flashbacks are usually caused by the brain remembering a suppressed memory that is triggered by a certain situation, or even a sound or smell.
I have been told I would pace, I vaguely remember the pacing. I remember the soothing but odd feeling it bought me, as if I could pass time really quickly if I kept moving.
I spoke to various doctors, psychiatrists, and lots of other people after it happened but my brain wasn’t taking anything in, the lights were on but no one was home so to speak.

Just because a traumatic event happens to someone, does not mean they are going to immediately have a breakdown, or become severely depressed right away. It took almost 3 years for everything to catch up with me, and when it did, it hit me hard.
Unfortunately I dragged someone down with me, someone who really had no idea what he was getting himself into. He wanted to help, but he wasn’t a professional, he wasn’t psychically with me either, we was overseas but we spoke daily and at the time I thought it was enough. When I met him, well just before I met him I was at rock bottom, I had been in an abusive relationship with my former partner, the one I had the baby girl too. Even though him and I had separated about a year and half after the miscarriage I was free from his narcissistic abusive behavior but I was still struggling.
Then I met this other person, who held out their hand to me, little did he know at the time but he was a lifeline. Little did I know that I couldn’t be saved from the breakdown that was edging closer.

So what are the signs you could possibly be having a mental breakdown, keep in mind they don’t all come at once, symptoms include anxiety, depression, memory loss, distorted reality, flashbacks, unable to stop crying or stop yourself randomly bursting into tears, restlessness, dramatic change in mood, and a strong desire to self harm. There are many other symptoms because we are all different and all experience things at a different level of intensity but my psychiatrist said anything out of the ordinary that you wouldn’t normally be doing can contribute.
It is easy to believe you are insane, you forget the person you were before the depression even started, it becomes harder to imagine what it would be like to return to your former self because it’s been so long you have actually forgotten who that person was.

Pressure and stress makes it worse, unfortunately my quest to desperately recover added to it all. I need to get better, I need to be stronger, was the worse thing I could possibly tell myself as it added more pressure than I could handle. It adds pressure on others as well, those trying to help but are unsuccessful can’t understand what they’re doing wrong. This starts a whole vicious cycle of self blame as well as looking for others to blame.
There is hope yet, I started to receive professional help, I got to know and trust the people I talk to and my psychiatrist put me on medication before tackling my past trauma to make sure I had a more stable mind to avoid anything like this happening again.
Guess what? It is working, I am still very sad, I have lost a lot in the last year and I still have a lot of grieving to do but being able to freely grieve and know exactly what it is I am sad about, which is such a relief than being distraught and not entirely knowing why.

Having a mental breakdown does not mean you’re crazy. It means something is wrong and we are unable to help ourselves in that moment. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness and neither is going on medication. I have heard or even been told myself, that you do not need medication. Well sometimes you do if it helps.
Never let anyone else tell you what they think you might need because it could lead to a tragic ending, and if you or someone you know is suffering from depression seek medical advice because trying to tackle it on your own is a difficult and dangerious journey.