The cruelty of the Narcissist

We all know someone we can class as a little narcissistic, I mean we ourselves are all slightly narcissistic, its key for our survival. It can be become an issue though, an issue that is overlooked and possibly even ignored because a true narcissist is cunning, covert and completely in control of their actions.
My entire life I never thought about narcissistic personality disorder, I mean why would I? It wasn’t a problem for me until I met someone who was a true narcissist and then all hell broke loose.

The most scary part of it is, that they have no idea of the damage they have caused, to them it was no more than a bit of fun. They are so good at being covertly deceitful that they can fool themselves into believing they are a victim no matter what they make anyone else undergo.
Sound familiar? Maybe just reading that makes you frustrated because you have experienced it. You know what I am talking about, it is hard for someone to comprehend if they have not been through it or encountered a true narcissist.

I know it frustrates me beyond words! Some people are lucky they get away, they pick up the broken pieces and find themselves again. I envy those people, I wish I had of gotten out sooner rather than later before it was all engraved in my brain.

A brief history on what happened to me, just for the purpose of an example of what I am talking about.
I sacrificed a life I had made for myself, everything that once kept my depression at bay, for a person who convinced me it would be best. Best for me, my health, my safety I never fully understood why but apparently this person cared enough.
I was paying for most things, airfares, accommodation, their own bills, and pretty much everything else. I wasn’t forced but the way it was presented was that if I did not pay I would not be able to see this personĀ  who loved me and of course I loved them and wanted to give them the world. They knew this and whenever I gave an inch they would take a mile.

In the end, everything was my fault. I was a terrible person, I wasn’t enough to make them happy. I was worn down, exhausted, yet they still wanted me to get up and support them, be open with them, help them achieve their dreams and goals. They went back to their life better off, they had free holidays, bills paid and used it all for their self gain. I was left shattered, empty and feeling like I was the worse person on earth because I wasn’t doing enough. How does that even work?

These sorta of people relish in playing the victim. Their overly inflated ego let’s them create fabricated scenarios where they were wronged when really they were not. You were probably just and fair but if the results aren’t a narcissist getting what they want, they convince themselves you have wronged them.

There is no way to even bother explaining it to them, they cannot see a logical reason unless it is centered around themselves. They live inside a grandiose fantasy that is too addictive and strong to break out of.
This renders them as untrustworthy, they search out your weaknesses to use as ammunition. They can appear to be the most caring, charming, loving person but this doesn’t last. They need you to open up willingly and give them something to use.
Your past doesn’t affect the future you can have if you don’t allow it. If you have had a bad passed, you can still have a better future by moving forward. Don’t let a narcissist use your past and vulnerabilities to keep you in a terrified limbo just because they want to hold you there.

The more hysterical and broken you get the more power they have, you have to understand that they are in control of the situation and you are not crazy. Someone who truly cares about you would not be so cruel.

The covert narcissist- Gaslighting, mental abuse

A topic between me and my mother lately has been guilt. I have inherited her self blaming characteristic and it isn’t fun.
If you have ever been wronged by another person whether it be your partner, a boss or someone you called a friend. At the end of the day even though you didn’t do anything you still feel guilty, there might be a reason for it, you might have been manipulated.

quote-nobody-can-be-kinder-than-the-narcissist-while-you-react-to-life-in-his-own-terms-elizabeth-bowen-3-31-63It’s called covert aggressive personalities, masters of manipulation but also masters of convincing the world of their charm and selflessness. They’re hard to spot if you don’t know what you’re looking for and aren’t selfless at all in fact they’re extremely self-centered.
These types of people use your weaknesses to their advantage, they claim they have your best interests at heart but really they are only looking out for themselves. They say they want the best for you but really they want what is best for them, they want you to reflect a good imagine for themselves.

I personally found with the narcissist in my life that this reflecting could come in many forms but their main goal was to get something out of it. Whether that be helping you and giving you advice that they can brag about later, usually about what great advice they give and make themselves feel good whether it helped you isn’t really priority. Or they might just want you to do something their way because they are so convinced that their way is the only way.

They find sneaky tactics that result in a one way road and that road only goes their way. Even if they aren’t even doing it intentionally they are so convinced that they are right and this can become extremely toxic to be in close relations with. You cannot fight fairly if person you are fighting with cannot see any reason beyond their own.
They are so persistent and can be mentally exhausting when they go above and beyond to convince you they are right and you are not. There is a key word here, a word someone pointed out to me that I found myself using unintentionally when describing this narcissistic person. I would say the word, convinced, he convinced me of things. Actions speak louder than words but no actions were happening but this didn’t matter to him because he seemed to be able to convince me he would do all the things that he said he would do.

These types of people may seem overly caring, they are masters at flattery and they know just what to say to hook you in. This is called love bombing, things progress really quickly, you are showered with attention and affection and you think you have met the love of your life but it doesn’t last. They seem to have an on and an off switch when it comes to love and relationships and if someone can switch their feelings on and off at will then this is a major red flag.
The person who told you that they loved you, they wanted the best for you, they wanted to give you the best future and made so many promises suddenly out of nowhere hits reverse like none of that ever mattered.
For victims or survivors of narcissist abuse this can be heart breaking because usually victims were a narcissists prey for a reason, we are kind, we are giving and we are trusting. We are also easy targets for manipulation.

After this happened to me and the person who appeared to love me most suddenly blamed me for everything that had happened in the past 12 months. Along with other absurd excuses I had never heard of and even asked me to get an abortion at 16 weeks into my pregnancy simply because it would be more convenient for him. At first I believed that everything was my fault, I was a terrible person. Even though I had worked, been the only one of us with a stable income and even given them money to pay bills as well as airfares. I sacrificed my happiness, relocated for work, and gave up a lot for this person because I loved them and when I love someone I give it my all.
This person never made an effort, only saw me if I paid and would boss everyone else about like his little minions if I had a an issue, not once did he prove his greatness and be there for the me in the flesh, but he would tell me how much he cared.
Prime example of actions speaking louder than words, his own pathetic life, and believe me it was, was more important than my mental health. Obviously because they were driving me insane, telling me I was insane and using anything and everything to prove it.

Another scary tactic mental abusers use is gaslighting but this is even scarier when they start to bring other people into it. When they begin to convince people around you that you aren’t okay. You have to remember to tell yourself that weren’t this person before they came along. You were once a happy person living a regular life until you met them. I know it is very hard to do.
They are so good at deceiving that they can even fake emotions such as crying, when I say fake, they do actually cry but they will be thinking of themselves and their hardships in a situation. They’re not actually sorry for you they are sorry for themselves.

Are these people really that callous? I think in my case some of it was unintentional, but then again I am not sure maybe it was calculated and he was more cunning than I give him credit for. I do know that his main focus was himself and because of this I got hurt, worn down and tired of living my life on his terms.
When someone is trying to imply they think you’re crazy yet all the while will accept thousands of dollars from you, and never talk about paying it back, I do think there is something wrong with that. I do feel as though if I had of had the sense back then to take a step back and see it through someone else’s eyes I would have spoken up and said “hey that’s not right!” It was still my choice though, but I am extremely giving. I have done quite a bit for charity in my time and have given the shirt off my own back before to help a kitten in desperate need and walked home in my sports bra and singlet.

If you have had a similar experience with a covert narcissist you are not alone in feeling confused, blaming yourself or feeling guilt. Just remember the narcissist isn’t feeling any of that they just simply go back to the grandiose fantasies they have of themselves and unfortunately are on the hunt for other people they can use to the best of their advantage.

Grief, depression and mental abuse- a lonely journey.

If you suffer from chronic depression, you may have your okay days, and your really low days. I can’t say I have experienced a day in the last 3 years where throughout the whole day I was nothing but happy. Even if I felt very flat, almost lonely in a way. That’s how I would personally describe my depression anyway.

I have experienced infant loss, I have experience domestic violence and mental abuse from a narcissist. I went from one terrible relationship to the next. How? Why? I have asked myself that as well, I have thought maybe I am just not worthy of love. Maybe I am just stupid.
Delving in a bit deeper with a psychologist uncovered something I never would have thought would matter. I am an individual, I am not my mother, I am not her mother, I am me so why does this pattern of abusive relationships keep me in a vicious loop?

My real father, was psychically and emotionally abusive to my mother and she left him when I was a baby. I haven’t met him since, I write to him every now and then and he responds but I don’t have an interest, nor have I ever really had a desire to spend time with him and get to really know him. I have had other father figures in my life and that was enough.
My mother’s, mother was in the same situation when my mum was a baby, an abusive relationship that she had to walk away from.
Now I also was in a very bad relationship, fell pregnant and I too will be a single mother.

History has repeated for a third time it would seem. My psychologist asked me if I have any relationships I can look up to and set an expectation for myself, I don’t actually know of any. I allowed myself to fall into a narcissists trap just because he wasn’t psychically abusive like my last boyfriend. He would often remind me that he was better than my last boyfriend also, I thought it was great. Little did I realize emotional torment would start and I would actually find it a lot harder to recover from than any psychical abuse I had ever experienced.

My mind was more delicate than my body ever was. Especially gone through having a still-born and then not knowing how to cope and isolating myself. I didn’t get the help I needed, I put all my grief and sorrows and locked it away inside the heart of a puppy. This is how my psychologist explained it, I thought I was insane and mistook the puppy for the baby I had lost, even though I knew he was a dog and not human it makes more sense that I would channel my grief into a dog.
It is not uncommon, and sometimes people will put their grief into an object. Then they have trouble parting with it. It becomes a symbol of their loss, something they can look at and touch.

Mine was living and breathing, mine was a puppy and they are hard work not so different from a child really. I knew what he sounded like, I knew he had a little quirky personality, I knew what his fur smelt like.

My grief made me so desperate, I felt like I just had to survive it. I had to survive myself, I had to find purpose otherwise I found myself slipping into darkness. I developed a way to cope with my dog, soon the darkness turned to just grey.
That is when I met someone who saw I was vulnerable and I became a target. I became prey.

I was made to prove myself while they barely lifted a finger, I was forking out thousands of dollars to travel overseas to see them and allow them to travel to me. They didn’t work, they had no money. They weren’t willing to work to afford to see me, they knew I was weak and they knew I would pay. They never offered to pay me back for plane tickets. They would accept it when I would suggest I pay dinner, sometimes really expensive restaurants, hotels, I even paid their bills. I just wanted to be kind because I truly cared for them.

Sometimes it helps to write all this down so I clearly see the way they acted was disgusting.
It gets worse because they were gaslighting me, telling me I had various sorts of disorders. They were using my weaknesses from an abusive past to prove I had all these disorders, just because I was anxious and frightened. They would prolong and heighten the fear so I would act out and then they would pounced on me. They were using things I thought I could trust them with to project any problem back onto me. It came down to it ALWAYS being my fault.

I believed it was, I believed I was a terrible person. I was isolated and felt like this person, this person that I knew I couldn’t trust was the only one I could turn to. I started to have family members turned against me, family members questioned by behavior. It was terrifying for me because that just proved I was losing my mind.
I was told I was negative because of depression, I was told that I shouldn’t be sad any longer for a child I had lost because I was having another, I was having theirs. I was told to find a way out and stop being depressed, basically. It made it worse because I started to force myself to feel happiness when I didn’t and it made me sick.

I have none of those disorders this person claimed I have. I was very stressed, I was very unhappy. Anyone who is working their back side off to support themselves and another adult who doesn’t seem to making an effort in return is stressful. Thinking you’re going insane is stressful, I even checked myself into a hospital one night out of fear of myself. Only to find I was fine, I was rational and I was self-aware, I was explaining the situation and the psychiatrist simply said “You are in an abusive relationship. Get out!”.

I did, and I am fine. I am no longer stressed, I am no longer worried about finances. I am making normal relationships with people and enjoying aspects of life again.
I am not cured of depression, I have my days where I get overwhelmed with grief still but that is okay. There isn’t a time limit on grieving and I found when I allowed myself to have my bad days and stopped forcing myself to have good ones, I began to heal, in my own time.

If someone truly loves you they will wait for you, especially when they knew you suffered all along. If they are impatient, if they expect you to feel happiness when you just cannot find it yet then they’re only inconvenienced for very selfish reasons.